Saturday, February 28, 2009

Start Where You Are

"Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can." ~ Arthur Ashe~
Welcome to what may become a series of interviews.

First let me introduce you to our guest.

To start, he is the original creator of aversion therapy. He originally kept us safe from spoiled foods, poisonous plants and other things that might harm and kill our physical body. He continues to do those things today as well as help us rethink our reason why and change our existing but unwanted habits. He hopes to help guide us back on the path of our dreams when we no longer notice that we are straying from that path.

Please welcome Disgust.

Minna: Did I do a fair job of introducing you?
Disgust: Yes Minna, you did actually. The thing is most people are fine with the physical part of me but don't see the emotional part of me that way though.

Minna: What do you mean?
Disgust: When most people think of me they want to get rid of me instead of use me. They say or think things like, "that's disgusting, get it out of here." or "You need to get rid of that disgusting habit." I've even heard people say "Oh My God that is disgusting, I would rather die first than than do something so disgusting."

Minna: Wow, I have to apologize Disgust, I'm certain I've said one or many of those things or something similar and I'm sorry.
Disgust: It's okay. I'm not mad about it, it just becomes rather frustrating for me because I really am here to help.

Minna: Well Disgust, let's talk about that. I appreciate you keeping my physical body safe, but how do you propose to help people rethink their whys or change our habits or even move us back to the path of fulfilling our dreams?
Disgust: The first thing I would say is if you see me around, especially when it relates to something you really do want to accomplish, instead of trying to get rid of me, wonder about why I'm there.

If you want to accomplish a task, or should I call it a goal, whatever, if you want to accomplish something but the way you want to accomplish it has me show up, then probably it's not the something you want to accomplish, it's the way you want to accomplish the something or the why.

Minna: Wow, Disgust, so you mean when you show up, you're not really trying to stop us from doing the 'something' we want to do, although if it's something to do with the physical body you are trying to stop us from doing that to keep us alive. When it comes to the emotional part of you, you're just trying to get us to notice how were going about doing that 'something' and how it doesn't sit right with our values, core beliefs or doesn't move us closer to our dream. Is that right?
Disgust: You got it. That's usually all. When people notice this as an emotion, they like to use the idea of 'cause and effect' and most people have the cause wrong. There is always more than one cause. I have a really good example if I can talk about you for a second.

Minna: Sure, go ahead
Disgust: The first time you noticed me, you initially thought your writing was the cause. But as you discovered yesterday, it was really because you had stepped off the path of your dream. At first you thought the cause was what you were doing, but you've come to understand it's why you wanted to do what you were doing. I have no problem with you doing what you are doing. I showed up because you needed to reexamine why you were doing it. Is that the conclusion you came to yesterday?

Minna: It sure is. But is that always the case? I mean would you show up emotionally for other people the same way you did for me?
Disgust: Typically, although there is no hard a fast rule about it. I am part emotion after all. Take someone who is unhealthy and overweight. I show up once they are good and tired of being unhealthy and overweight. I do the same for smokers, people in bad relationships, bad jobs and so on.

Once I'm there it becomes easier for them to start noticing the why associated with their actions. Do you understand what I mean? When I show up emotionally, I'm not there to stop you as much as I'm there for you to start noticing the why you are doing 'the thing' in the first place.

There are a lot of people feeling like and believing they can't stop doing 'the thing', whatever 'the thing' is, yet they can change the 'why' of doing 'the thing'. Sometimes that changes the thing they are doing. Sometimes it just changes the why and the thing moves in a different direction. I usually leave pretty soon after that. Not that I ever really leave mind you, I just fade out of awareness because I'm no longer needed in that moment.

Like you said in the introduction, I'm there as a guide back to the path they've strayed from. It's sad that so many just want to get away from me. It seems that happens more when guilt and shame are around. I don't like to hang out with those two. They cause me and the people I'm hanging with, more trouble than is necessary.

Minna: How do guilt and shame cause trouble?
Disgust: Well when guilt shows up, if I'm there hanging to, somehow it guilt starts talking to the person about how I shouldn't be there. How they need to ignore me or do something, anything to get rid of me. How I'm the one causing all the problems and if I would just go away then everything in their world will be ok.

Guilt is sneaky. He's the one making them believe they're not okay with me being there. He's the one fanning the flames. Guilt makes folks allow someone else's why to rule and guide what they are doing.

Shame isn't much better because she tends to cause massive paralysis. Instead of being able to begin uncovering a different and probably better why, she keeps them focused on and stuck in the why that isn't working. We all end up hanging out longer than is necessary the first few times but usually you guys get it after a while.

Minna: Wait a minute, I noticed you said probably a better why, don't you mean definitely a better why?
Disgust: No, neither the person nor I can ever really be sure. If I fade out of awareness, then we're 99.9% sure yet there's always a possibility the new why isn't the right why either. The only way to find out is to move forward using the new why and see if I show up again.

Minna: Wow, I have a new found respect for you Disgust and I don't want to take up any more of your time. Plus I need to test my own new why and see if were done hanging for a while. It's been really great talking to you.
Disgust: Thanks for talking to me and realizing I had something to share. See you around later, maybe.

I hope you enjoyed this first interview and Thank you all for reading.

Keep Being. . .Outside Convention

Friday, February 27, 2009

Cud, Fire and Sparks

My disgusted me and I have been talking.

She finally opened up to me as I sat in the Operative Short Stay waiting room yesterday. I was listening to Havi and she was Recoding My Mind which is a meditation from the Destuckification Sampler Packet and I realized 1. her voice does not get on my nerves. I love that she has a totally undefined and unintelligible accent. No she's not unintelligible, she just has no real accent that I can pinpoint and I totally love that. 2. I love free stuff that is actually helpful and doesn't get on my nerves and 3. as soon as I have some wealth I'll be getting other stuff from her like The Shiva Nata starter kit and maybe even meeting her in North Carolina the weekend of May 23rd.

Okay, now back to the conversation with my Disgusted Self.

She told me that we've been together since high school. She didn't get involved and start speaking out until many years later. She was first disgusted with the people around us, not necessarily with us.

She didn't start getting disgusted with who we were until she realized, I wasn't going to keep any of my promises to myself. The last straw was when Our Little Girl showed up and warned us that something was about to happen and she asked me to remember a promise my Adult Me made to her and to please, please, please keep it and I didn't.

It was only after that, Disgusted Me basically said "F*ck All, Adult you, You suck. You were supposed to protect Our Little Girl, you promised and you didn't keep that promise. I'm taking over and I'll keep us all protected because I'll keep everything away from us."

She's been here pretty much since 2005, running things, making sure I stay disgusted with everything in my life, so I'll at least have some kind of fire in my belly even if it is called indigestion or gas or IBS or whatever.

She really started talking once she noticed I was listening, really listening and comprehending what she was saying.

She went on to tell me, "none of the other ways worked. I mean you wouldn't even protect Our Little Girl and you don't keep any promises you make to any of us. You promised us since Middle School that we were going to college and going to be an Architect and be happily married and adopt massive numbers of children and start a school where kids learn like they learn best and travel and, and, and. . .

You do a little bit of that once your Adult You gets frustrated with whatever you're doing but you never follow through for us. This Adult You doesn't even follow through for other people anymore. Is it any wonder why they fired you? (Harsh but she's right.)

This Adult You gets trapped in these small rooms in your past and shut down. At least with me taking over we can talk about what disgusts us. Oh and this self love crap, I don't do self love I'm about disgust because that at least has kept some sparks flying in our mind. I'm thinking one of those sparks is going to finally hit some of this dead stuff up here and clear it out. So I'm not leaving anytime soon."

Havi's voice in my earbuds helped me not freak out, but Disgusted Me was absolutely right. Adult Me has been an automaton and fearful and feeling very unsupported. I couldn't even tell Disgusted Me those things in the moment. I had to sleep on them, chew what she said like cud. Even typing this out this morning, it' still feels like it's coming up from my third stomach but something is definitely shifting.

I've had it mostly wrong, all along. I just thought those were cool things, I this Adult Me never thought that we were capable of doing them. I realize I've got a lot of support inside myself, ready to help. There is a me who is all Self Love and Self Acceptance but like Our Little Girl, she doesn't trust me enough to show herself frequently, if at all.

So I've literally just gotten a phone call telling me that my uncle will be released in an hour. I'm obligated to pick him up and I'm not mad. I really wanted to talk to Disgusted Me some more and the Universe just gave me the chance.

I get to drive for an hour, alone down country roads to the hospital. I get to sit in real leather chairs in a doctors' office for who knows how long and I'll talk to her some more. Or chew more cud.

I'll be back though.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Standing Beside Myself

I wake up with songs in my head and finally I'm listening to them and here's what happens...

My body stirs ever so slightly and through the lids of my still closed eyes I can sense the morning light around me. I hear "it's just another sad love song, racking my heart like crazy" and hear the harmony and melodic alto of Toni Braxton. I slowly begin opening my eyes and the word disgust fills my mind.

Toni is no longer singing and my eyes are open and this thought comes rushing out.

What is she singing about? Another sad love song, loves songs are about being sad? Really, cause I don't think so. Each and everyone of us experiences unconditional love when we wake up each morning (and hey, by the way you woke up didn't you this morning, then you've experienced it) then love is not bad. Bad love songs, yes, but sad love and song together, NO FREAKIN WAY. That thought leaves as quickly as it came and is replace with . . .

. . .

. . .

yeah I got crickets on the brain. And the echo of the ghost of the melody of a song becomes background noise and doesn't go away. (Even now as I type this many hours later.)

Then my body reminds me it is awake and has desires, you know like peeing and moving around.

The hyperactive dog stirs, jumps off the bed in anticipation of petting and playing and I roll over and stretch myself out from under the cover. The 40 degree air is my first morning shot of high octane espresso.

I'm up and my bodies routine takes over while the echo of "And it's all because of yoooooouuuuuuuuuu" merges more deeply into the soundtrack of my day.

My day begins, melody still echoing, body in routine, mind still waking up.

Computer on, coffee made, dogs out, treats in bowl, fresh water, wash face, brush teeth, sit down in front of the computer and focus eyes on the screen while sipping fresh coffee.

Time passes.

I run my morning errands, I'm driving home and a song comes on the radio, grabbing my attention.

Oh so now "I'm not gonna cry, cuz you're not worth my tears," croons Mary J. Blige and I'm realizing, this entire song is about a relationship in which the woman gives up herself, her dreams, her desires, her independence, her perspectives, her emotional life.

Oh wait, shit, that's me and my relationship with me.

It's a song about how once she has I have given all that up for the man some love and how he I no longer respect her myself and leave her myself feeling disgusted and disgusting standing there, damned if she I fight him with myself for all she's I'm worth because he'll I'll either use an excuse saying, I didn't make you give up anything, you chose to do that, I didn't force you. You could have said no . . .

. . . gahhhh no wonder disgust fills me for me.

I disgust me and when the disgusting, disgusted me tries to give myself things like self-care, self-acceptance, self-love, gentleness or compassion I think I am trying to get myself to do something which sounds, feels and appears to be foreign, unpleasant, manipulative and exploitative.

Wow, I'm hiding the essence of me from myself because I'll only exploit the essence of me and manipulate the essence of me to get what I want from myself.

Okay now I'm perfectly freaked out because that revelation didn't really hit me until I typed that sentence.

I'm not sure I want to process any of that, yet the walls surround me on three sides and the only opening is behind me. I don't want to assume anything about what is behind me, yet I'm afraid to look there, to step back or to turn around.

Then I remember something I read last night from Dawna Markova's "No Enemies Within" about being curious, "Take yourself for a walk - your hurting self, your shadow self, [your disgusting, disgusted self], your internal enemy . . . Pretend it is next to you instead of inside of you, or in front of you . . . I'm not asking you to have a major relationship at this point. Just make space enough inside your mind to be curious." pg 234
So that is my intent. I'll be back.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Even If. . . I AM Still

Some other things showed up today after I read the Editorial Guidelines and Author Terms of Service over at EzineArticles.

As as new friend says, icky poo caca, because I have to be approved. Well not exactly, my first article has to be approved and that means I, as in the person writing the articles need approval. Icky poo caca

What if they don't like me?
Hello, you mean what if they don't like the article right? Because it's an article, not you silly.

Well, fine, what if they don't like my article? Then it means we can't write worth a flip doesn't it, well doesn't it? And if I can't write worth a flip, then we the person with all these feelings and thoughts and ideas and plans, then me, we are not worth a flip.

These esteem issues and external validation monsters and all these poorly designed connections and perceptions and associations are Icky poo caca.

No really something much stronger is necessary. Puta la huea as a Chilean friend would say. Yes that is much better.

So how do I disconnect that association - the approval or disapproval of my writing so it is not connected to my approval or disapproval of me, Minerva?

I'm not even going to deal with the logical aspects of this connection because logic didn't create it.

I remember writing assignments from elementary school, middle school, high school and junior college and university. First I always waited until the last minute to do the writing. The process of writing scared me. Then because I waited until the last minute, my writing process became panicky and frantic.

Due to said panic and franticness, when I turned in any written assignment, some part of me said, whew, as long as it gets me a good grade and they like it, then I'm okay.

I effectively handed the teacher or professor my power. I believe at first it only linked to the writing assignment, if they liked it, then I liked it. I'm okay.

Yet, if they didn't like the writing assignment, then I wasn't okay. After having this happen a few times, the thought shifted to, if they liked the writing assignment, then they like and validate me. If they don't like the writing assignment, then they don't like or validate me.

See I told you there was no logic to it. I even think I can pinpoint when the shift happened. 7th grade. My 7th grade English teacher questioned my ability to have some insight about Vermeer, which was not discussed in class. I was threatened with an F unless and until I physically produced every single source I used to gather information for that paper.

That English teacher hated me.

I wrote my last paper for university in Fall 2004 and it's sitting next to me right now. The professor left several marks and notes on it. The very first note on the first page validates me as I read it. I feel the the smugness course through me. Ha, I picked up on something the professor didn't even mention in the class. See 7th grade teacher, I can have insights on my own. I am capable of it.

I accepted that 7th grade teachers beliefs about me. She and anyone else with whom I share my writing with must accept me for me to accept myself.

This is confirmed for me when I read the next note on the university assignment. This is a run-on sentence. Natch, now my emotional pendulum swings to this professor hates me. It's totally illogical. And it happens.

While I allowed external validation to twist me up and associate my likability with my writing ability, it's just not true. People will like some of what I write. Heck I'll like some of what I write. EzineArticles will like some of what I write. I will still like me even if I don't like what I write.

So...have I submitted the article yet? Uhm no sadly, because the technical issues are something else entirely. No not technically how to submit the article, but how to follow Editorial Guidelines for the resource box using blogger. There is no need to give EzineArticles any other reason to reject me my writing, than necessary.

I'll keep repeating the following to remind me.

Rejection of my writing is not a rejection of me.

Acceptance of my writing is not an acceptance of me.

Even if EzineArticles rejects my writing, they are not rejecting me as a person and I'll still like me.

I'm going to figure out this technical issue before I turn myself off to the whole process.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Perceiving the Hard and Super-Advanced

I talked yesterday about starting at the hard, super advanced end of what ever it is that I want to start.

The initial insight was related to meditation, yet it's a strategy I've used just about everywhere.

It especially applies to what I've called myself doing the last few months. Big, scary, audacious idea of owning a company, a business, in a multi-million dollar, a lucrative, lifestyle business.

Oh man, I played right into my pattern of "start with the super advanced and fail".

Hello, what was I thinking? I don't know what it takes to provide a service or product, which is not attached to a paycheck every two weeks, especially if it doesn't work. Talk about scary. My mind is already spending my non-existent million dollar salary from my none existent multi-million dollar lucrative, lifestyle business.

That is so very wrong. First, I need to consistently make $1, then $10, then $100, then $1,000 and then we can talk about those bigger numbers. If I stay in my head, by next week I'll be a billionaire with what I could do. While in reality, I'll still be digging change out of the sofa cushions to buy something off a dollar menu somewhere.

First I need to make $1.00. Then simultaneously increase that to a living wage and build a business, using a strategic systems approach.

Wow that sounds so technically professional. Still. . .

First I need to make $1.00.

Then I realized whatever I do to make the first and subsequent dollars:

  1. I need to believe I can do this, in the moment and then reiterate the belief with action
  2. It needs to resonate with me
  3. It need to be authentically me, whatever it is
  4. It needs to start with skills I already possess
  5. I need to enjoy doing at least 75% of the work if the work is going to get done
  6. The only investment needs to be time because funds are nil
  7. It needs to generate cash flow almost immediately
So, I've narrowed things down and I'm reading a specific plan. I'm reading and noticing my engagement and excitement and concentration. I hear my little voice say, I can do this. This sounds good, it feels good. Okay, let's do it. I'm almost finished reading and getting myself geared up for action, when I read,

"My first ad/article is sooo bad...I am embarassed to put my name on it! So don't! Use a pen name or a stage name."
and I notice a knot in the pit of my stomach. My motivation is sinking and now I'm feeling "whoa, you can't do that. It's vile and reprehensible. People won't trust you if you do that, so let's just look for something else to do to make money (like get a real job) and think about growing this 'little business idea thingy' some other way, 'kay?"

Where did the I can do this feeling go so quickly and why did it leave?

So I step away and go for a walk and while I'm standing in the woods, feet resting on moss and rocks and pine needles I notice her standing alone, head down, exuding shame from every pore...

and I understand. Oh, I know her. She's from my past, my past life of ill repute and 'those jobs'.

Ohhhhhh the connection. "Those jobs" pushed us out of this body in the first place. "Those jobs" were all about easy money and us pretending to be something, someone else and all the pain and humiliation that resulted from it."

I do also remember feeling the same exact way in "my real jobs."

So what is this really about?

It's about the fear of shaming myself, shamming others and getting trapped in one more way to uhm, pr0sititue myself.

It's a perception.

It's my perception of others who are okay having, 'pen names', when I'm not okay having one. It's my perception of how shameful the words 'stage name' are. It also about protection against external invalidation and ostracizing.

Perceptions. All I want to do is make my first $1.00 online and instead I'm dealing with perceptions.

Vicious, viscous loop.

Maybe I'm rushing into this. Maybe I need a plan. Now that sounds hard and super advanced.

Yes a plan and another perspective, maybe create some new associations for those perceptions.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Self Knowledge, Acceptance & Random Thoughts

Self Actualization and Acceptance

From an interview with Stephan Schwartz
"Changes in yourself will be reflected in changes in your world, as you make different choices, and the world around you sees you in the new light of those choices."
Mr. Schwartz is into the paranormal stuff and I was too in high school so when he talks about remote viewing I don't find it foreign. I did find it disconcerting when done unintentionally as it can be a "freak-out" experience, but I did not find it foreign.

Support When You Need It

This week in support group, the facilitator said and I'm not quoting this exactly,
"The soul that knows itself, can call anywhere home."
And I am certain had I read that in some book I would have been all gag me, ppfft, whatever, geesh and completely dismissed it. But when she said it, it stuck.

Plus it's further confirmation of something I've been asking about since I had a dream last summer about "going home this time next summer" and what exactly that means and could the universe please tell me if I'm going to DIE because it would be really, really helpful if I knew that, in advance thank you very much.

Yes I briefly wondered how I could use Remote Viewing to find out the answer to that question and then realized it really doesn't matter, it's a selfish desire because we are all going to die and not in a bad way, just in a natural course of all things way and that led me to. . .

Self Knowledge or Trying to Figure Out How to Make Money and not Just Be Somebodies Ho Employee

I could be this kind of enabler - a person who does not have a particular niche specialization but could have the broad technical / marketing knowledge to enable niche players to make more money. (That is totally a good enabler!). That was taken from Dave Navarro's analysis of Brian Clark's Teaching Sells and earlier today I read Sonia Simone's post talking about the very same course hmmm, . . . maybe I have that in skills I currently possess?

What might those skills be?

Hey, wait a minute, I'm actually talking about testing this out and still feeling "no way that is gross if I use a pen name" but what if I used it to send people to stuff I think is cool and know that it's helped me to solve certain problems and the people who own the stuff actually pays me to send them somehow.

It might some immediate cash and . . .

I've Seen This Pattern Before learning loads about just how deeply my patterns are enmeshed in my neural pathways and twice this week I've run into this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson -
"Do not say things. What you are stands over you the while, and thunders so I cannot hear what you say to the contrary."
Terry Heath said it on Monday and I read it again in "Your Erroneous Zones" by Wayne Dyer yesterday. Mostly I skimmed the book and pulled out that quote and three others that are helpful to me now. I still feel a disconnect between what I say and what I am though.

I'm not sure how this other quote fits in from page 120 of "YEZ" - ". . . this passion for reasons keeps you from opening up and growing. . .what freedom to know that you don't have to justify anything to anyone including yourself, ever again."

What does that look like in practice?

Then I got my chance to practice it and this is already a long post so I'll share that on Sunday.

Finally, Random Thought I Ponder

I actually pondered this scenario . . .

If my currently non-existent child ever asked mommy why she was crying as my currently non-existent Significant Other and I, are in a particularly non exposed hugging Kama Sudra pose what would I say?

I'd tell said child, " mommies really love hugs like this one and sometimes they make her cry because they are sooo good."

It is not a lie, mommies really do love those kinds of hugs. So do significant others.

So that's it for the week. I'll tell you about my Thursday on Sunday. I'm signing off now because a slightly too big for her bark dog is making her desire for food and attention well known.

Our Privilege of Present Moments

Last week a link led me to the Ask Havi archives*. (Funny when I wrote this I hesitated, procrastinated on posting it and today, low and behold, she sends me to very same post. Universe and Havi thanks for the tap, seriously.)

Havi says stillness meditation is a hard and advanced form of meditation. It is not where you want to start. It takes years of practice to get there. Please don't quote me, quoting her because that's a paraphrase.*

And I'm thinking man she must have written this post a really long time ago because I've been all over her archives in the last month, six weeks, seven weeks and I've never read this post.

Uhm, yeah the post that I'm not linking to yet*, is not even two months old.

As I was reading (the post that I still haven't linked to), I was feeling a year of 2007. How am I feeling a year?

Anyway, when she talks about 'hard and advanced' I'm thinking that soooo totally fits who I've always been. That is sooo one of my patterns, go for the hardest, most difficult thing to do when starting something new and epically fail at it every. freakin. time. over. and. over. again.

Explains my entire damn life. (Overly dramatic maybe, but the pattern has been there since forever or at least kindergarten.)

I've linked to both posts from Havi at the end but I want to properly quote her here in, because really she's so totally called me out it's not funny.

Havi's real quote is:

"just sitting or just-sitting-and-breathing is a super-advanced practice. It’s a myth — and an absurd one at that — that we should be able to start there.

Don’t start there. [emphasis mine]

So many people put so much pressure on themselves because they think they ought to be able to just sit down and focus on the breath. Give yourself a few years before you even try using that as your method. It’s not the place to start. [again emphasis mine]

You’re going to have to experiment a bit."

Havi, I did experiment. I tried visualizing and I came up with words, no pictures. So I tried guided meditations with other people's voices talking me through the process. I didn't like their voices in my head. Yeah I'm weird? wired like that.

I would hear their pronunciation of s's, t's and p's and don't get me started on diphthongs. I would hearing their dialect and tone. Once that happens, their voice JUST STARTS GRATING ON MY NERVES. Hmm, no I start grating my nerves by criticizing myself and . . .

Then of course, I am no longer meditating.

Honestly I need AND want to meditate. For the health of my sanity, for the ability to step back into my body and call it home again.

Thus far I've identified:

  1. a "here's the fastest way to fail and be okay and get sympathy, pity, validation for effort without fear of actually achieving anything" pattern AND
  2. a perfectionist pattern AND
  3. a procrastination pattern AND
  4. a pattern of self criticism which plays right back into number 1
Erm, yay patterns!

The idea of knowing both subconsciously and consciously about these patterns is comforting (sweet, I don't have to try and fool me or anyone else anymore) and empowering (wow see how much energy we really have when we aren't trying to fool us or anyone else anymore), while simultaneously disheartening and frustrating (we've missed out on all this stuff we could have been, done and had with that energy).

I acknowledge all of that in the right now. I acknowledge my inability to change my past.

I acknowledge my ability, my right, my privilege of being in the present moment.

Ahh, my privilege of being in the present moment.

Our privilege of present moments.

*Ask Havi #15: meditation edition
Ask Havi # 19: sobbing like mad

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Medictation Moments | A Lion, No Tiger & Three Bears

Opening up and it wasn't even meditation.

First honesty, I only meditated one day in the last seven. I couldn't face me. I wasn't wanting to look at anything to do with me.

Instead I've been meeting my subconscious in dreamland. I've had some wild and amazing dreams. Aliens, hostile takeovers, moving to New York, drag queens and pancakes.

Last night for instance I dreamt of a lion, 2 chihuahua's and The 3 bears as in Papa bear, Mama bear and Baby bear. The three of them were peeking at me through a screen in a window. It was fun and funny and I wasn't afraid - at all.

Then I was sitting in a room with lots of double swinging doors. I could see outside because the doors were flapping in the breeze. I caught a glimpse of a man and lion playing on the lawn. The first glimpse I thought the man was running from the lion. The second and third glimpse confirmed they were playing.

Now, none of these sets of doors had locks or clasps. The doors all led out to a long and wide veranda which had stairs leading down to the huge expanse of lawn.

I was afraid the lion would get inside. I was afraid the lion would hurt me and eat the chihuahuas. I mentioned there were 2 chihuahuas right?

First one chihuahua pushed it's way through the door. My fear of the lion got stronger. The second chihuahua pushed it's way through the door and then I got really frightened. I started looking around for ways to block the doors.

I didn't see the lion again. I saw the bears again, looking through the window at me and I smiled and woke up.

I go up, started doing my morning things, e-mails, twitter, coffee, chauffer and after I get back, I start reading my RSS feed.

Hmmm, Havi has her Items post up and sends me off to meet Wendy Cholbi at I'm reading and scrolling down the blog and what do I see - Christian The Lion.

I click to watch and wow tears just start gushing from my eyes. I mean I can't control them. I can't stop them. I don't know where they came from. I sob uncontrollably first watching the 1:17 video clip, then the longer clips...

I'm sobbing and wiping my eyes so I can keep watching and gasping for breathe because the sobs are so deep I feel nauseous.

I notice one of my dogs is standing beside me with her head down. I think she's positioned herself in one of her favorite 'pet me here spots'. I start absentmindedly petting her, still sobbing and wiping and gasping and watching.

She looks up at me and then back down. As I push my chair back to see what she's staring at I notice she has calmly, regurgitated her morning treats, directly between my feet. Nothing is on either shoe and my own nauseau is gone.

She calmly walks away and leaves me with the mess of tears, running nose and dog vomit.

I think, yeah this is the weirdest thing yet, who needs medictation?

Oh and that one day of medictation lasted for seven minutes and all I kept getting was my to do list for the day. I sort of suspected that might be the case and it was valid non-meditative feedback because I needed to be productively active that day.

You can watch the videos of Christian, The Lion below.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Medictation* Moments | Highlights from Week One

*everytime I started typing 'meditation' it became 'medication' so I decided in an effort to save myself some editing I'd call this "medictation". Yes it is awkward to say and that's about how I feel, awkward. Also, analytically speaking,this a prescription to help me open up to guidance from my higher self. So there.

I'll just dive into the highlights. Okay really they are mostly what happened the whole five minutes, I mean highlight, five minutes come on .... it's only five minutes.

Day One

Maybe 5 breathes in and out and a thought about Shiva Nata shows up.

That thought leads me to Havi Brooks who introduced the words and concepts of Shiva Nata to me and I start wondering, (analyzing) the little bit of the still untried and unfamiliar concept of doing it wrong, is doing it right and if you start to do it right, then it's time for a higher level and of course the analysis takes me to 'if the point of doing Shiva Nata is to do it wrong, how do I know Havi is doing it right and how does she know if she's not and what level is she on and how many levels are there and . . . ?'

Oh, then I remember, I'm meditating. I listen to me breathing some more and wonder if time is up. I cheat and check the buzzer. It's only been 4 and 1/2 minutes.

Day Two

My mind certainly isn't focused on breathing nor is it focused on carnal thoughts.

I notice my hands are in prayer position and that they are located at my Sacral Chakra. Desire, sexuality, pleasure and procreation are not exactly the energy I'm trying to connect with.

I move my hands, still in prayer position, to my Heart Chakra and I feel a heartburn like sensation.

I start seeing thought forms (colors and shapes behind my eyelids) and I try to stop looking at them.

I don't really want my meditation time to end (or is it that I don't want to stop those carnal thoughts). Just then, I hear the buzzer.

Day Three

As soon as I start listening to myself breathe I hear, "Husband". I hear, 'Try to find', 'Trying to get', 'Work to get one'.

Chills and resistance and thoughts like, 'that's just wrong' and 'what about the agreement we made to never get married when we were little?' show up.

I bring myself back to my breath.

I notice my stomach gurgling and groaning and how 'stuffed' it feels. Wait, I haven't eaten anything yet. Why is my stomach feeling full and just then I hear the bip, bleep, bzzzzzz of the buzzer.

Day Four

I hear an unclear word ????tarian.

Then I immediately feel like my right side is solid and grounded and my left side is light and floaty feather.

I go back to focusing on breathing. I don't want the meditation to end.

My left ear has a sensation of warmth which spreads across the left side of my face and scalp.

The buzzer goes off. I sit for a moment because I'm feeling unbalanced. It's apparent that I am physically unbalanced when I teeter to the left after standing.. Uh-oh did I have a mini-stoke?

Nah but that feeling is a little weird and results in lots of journaling and googling and reading. My analytical mind tries to make sense of all this.

Day Five

Thoughts of past boyfriends show up immediately and fade quickly as I focus on my breathe.

I notice the same right side - solid/grounded, left side - light/floaty feather feeling.

Five minutes passes quickly. The buzzer sounds different, softer, less intrusive. I could have almost ignored it. Did I change the tone? No.

Day Six


Day Seven

didn't happen. The previous five days was maybe a little too much to start with.


I'm am still ambivalent about medictating.

I know, it's seems like the right thing for me to do or I wouldn't have received so much feedback in five minutes.

Of course now that I've said it's very possible the Law of Opposites will kick in and next week, there will be NO feedback. Which is it's own form of feedback. Gah analysis stopping now.

Okay and at least I know why I sabotage any relationship before or just after it becomes a serious relationship. An agreement with myself to never get married. I sort of remember that but I think this adult me needs some more information.

I might even meditate for more than five minutes this next week or not. I'm asking myself if I need to know the answer or if acknowledging the agreement is enough.

Well see next week.

I'll see you in the Medictation Moments next week.