Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Even If. . . I AM Still

Some other things showed up today after I read the Editorial Guidelines and Author Terms of Service over at EzineArticles.

As as new friend says, icky poo caca, because I have to be approved. Well not exactly, my first article has to be approved and that means I, as in the person writing the articles need approval. Icky poo caca

What if they don't like me?
Hello, you mean what if they don't like the article right? Because it's an article, not you silly.

Well, fine, what if they don't like my article? Then it means we can't write worth a flip doesn't it, well doesn't it? And if I can't write worth a flip, then we the person with all these feelings and thoughts and ideas and plans, then me, we are not worth a flip.

These esteem issues and external validation monsters and all these poorly designed connections and perceptions and associations are Icky poo caca.

No really something much stronger is necessary. Puta la huea as a Chilean friend would say. Yes that is much better.

So how do I disconnect that association - the approval or disapproval of my writing so it is not connected to my approval or disapproval of me, Minerva?

I'm not even going to deal with the logical aspects of this connection because logic didn't create it.

I remember writing assignments from elementary school, middle school, high school and junior college and university. First I always waited until the last minute to do the writing. The process of writing scared me. Then because I waited until the last minute, my writing process became panicky and frantic.

Due to said panic and franticness, when I turned in any written assignment, some part of me said, whew, as long as it gets me a good grade and they like it, then I'm okay.

I effectively handed the teacher or professor my power. I believe at first it only linked to the writing assignment, if they liked it, then I liked it. I'm okay.

Yet, if they didn't like the writing assignment, then I wasn't okay. After having this happen a few times, the thought shifted to, if they liked the writing assignment, then they like and validate me. If they don't like the writing assignment, then they don't like or validate me.

See I told you there was no logic to it. I even think I can pinpoint when the shift happened. 7th grade. My 7th grade English teacher questioned my ability to have some insight about Vermeer, which was not discussed in class. I was threatened with an F unless and until I physically produced every single source I used to gather information for that paper.

That English teacher hated me.

I wrote my last paper for university in Fall 2004 and it's sitting next to me right now. The professor left several marks and notes on it. The very first note on the first page validates me as I read it. I feel the the smugness course through me. Ha, I picked up on something the professor didn't even mention in the class. See 7th grade teacher, I can have insights on my own. I am capable of it.

I accepted that 7th grade teachers beliefs about me. She and anyone else with whom I share my writing with must accept me for me to accept myself.

This is confirmed for me when I read the next note on the university assignment. This is a run-on sentence. Natch, now my emotional pendulum swings to this professor hates me. It's totally illogical. And it happens.

While I allowed external validation to twist me up and associate my likability with my writing ability, it's just not true. People will like some of what I write. Heck I'll like some of what I write. EzineArticles will like some of what I write. I will still like me even if I don't like what I write.

So...have I submitted the article yet? Uhm no sadly, because the technical issues are something else entirely. No not technically how to submit the article, but how to follow Editorial Guidelines for the resource box using blogger. There is no need to give EzineArticles any other reason to reject me my writing, than necessary.

I'll keep repeating the following to remind me.

Rejection of my writing is not a rejection of me.

Acceptance of my writing is not an acceptance of me.

Even if EzineArticles rejects my writing, they are not rejecting me as a person and I'll still like me.

I'm going to figure out this technical issue before I turn myself off to the whole process.


  1. That's a powerful thing you say about handing the prof your power when writing those school papers - by writing solely and only on his/her terms and for his/her reasons. (after all, would you have written at ALL were it not for the fact that he/she gave you assignments?) It was a useful habit in that context - to write only with his/her approval in mind. But how to lose that habit when you're writing for yourself, without that phantom professor looking over your shoulder?

  2. I know you read Havi's blog and how she talks about finding your "right people", which is what happens when you write from your heart. Hopefully your "right people" don't number in the millions because that might just mean you're a sellout anyway.

    Also, no need to worry about EzineArticles. They'll not only approve your article but also give you the Expert Author title, watch and see.

    As far as your resource box, you can always edit that later. Just put your correct link in there and see what flies.

  3. Oh, and if EzineArticles won't let you link to an affiliate page, then link to an article on your blog where you write a very short bit about it and have the affiliate link there.

    What? That isn't how it's done? That won't look professional? What if is doesn't work? Will people think I'm a loser because I didn't link right to the affiliate product's sales page?

    Yeah, I can hear your inner critic all the way from here.

  4. @Terry - She's really annoyingly loud isn't she? She keeps jabbering away at me about how difficult, unprofessional, unethical, immoral blah blah blah all this is and I've been trying not to listen but ...

    It's that writing from the heart part I think she's most afraid and I know I am.

  5. And yet you're doing it. You're writing from your heart, and the computer monitor hasn't exploded in your face and probably never will.


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