Medictation* Moments | Highlights from Week One

*everytime I started typing 'meditation' it became 'medication' so I decided in an effort to save myself some editing I'd call this "medictation". Yes it is awkward to say and that's about how I feel, awkward. Also, analytically speaking,this a prescription to help me open up to guidance from my higher self. So there.

I'll just dive into the highlights. Okay really they are mostly what happened the whole five minutes, I mean highlight, five minutes come on .... it's only five minutes.

Day One

Maybe 5 breathes in and out and a thought about Shiva Nata shows up.

That thought leads me to Havi Brooks who introduced the words and concepts of Shiva Nata to me and I start wondering, (analyzing) the little bit of the still untried and unfamiliar concept of doing it wrong, is doing it right and if you start to do it right, then it's time for a higher level and of course the analysis takes me to 'if the point of doing Shiva Nata is to do it wrong, how do I know Havi is doing it right and how does she know if she's not and what level is she on and how many levels are there and . . . ?'

Oh, then I remember, I'm meditating. I listen to me breathing some more and wonder if time is up. I cheat and check the buzzer. It's only been 4 and 1/2 minutes.

Day Two

My mind certainly isn't focused on breathing nor is it focused on carnal thoughts.

I notice my hands are in prayer position and that they are located at my Sacral Chakra. Desire, sexuality, pleasure and procreation are not exactly the energy I'm trying to connect with.

I move my hands, still in prayer position, to my Heart Chakra and I feel a heartburn like sensation.

I start seeing thought forms (colors and shapes behind my eyelids) and I try to stop looking at them.

I don't really want my meditation time to end (or is it that I don't want to stop those carnal thoughts). Just then, I hear the buzzer.

Day Three

As soon as I start listening to myself breathe I hear, "Husband". I hear, 'Try to find', 'Trying to get', 'Work to get one'.

Chills and resistance and thoughts like, 'that's just wrong' and 'what about the agreement we made to never get married when we were little?' show up.

I bring myself back to my breath.

I notice my stomach gurgling and groaning and how 'stuffed' it feels. Wait, I haven't eaten anything yet. Why is my stomach feeling full and just then I hear the bip, bleep, bzzzzzz of the buzzer.

Day Four

I hear an unclear word ????tarian.

Then I immediately feel like my right side is solid and grounded and my left side is light and floaty feather.

I go back to focusing on breathing. I don't want the meditation to end.

My left ear has a sensation of warmth which spreads across the left side of my face and scalp.

The buzzer goes off. I sit for a moment because I'm feeling unbalanced. It's apparent that I am physically unbalanced when I teeter to the left after standing.. Uh-oh did I have a mini-stoke?

Nah but that feeling is a little weird and results in lots of journaling and googling and reading. My analytical mind tries to make sense of all this.

Day Five

Thoughts of past boyfriends show up immediately and fade quickly as I focus on my breathe.

I notice the same right side - solid/grounded, left side - light/floaty feather feeling.

Five minutes passes quickly. The buzzer sounds different, softer, less intrusive. I could have almost ignored it. Did I change the tone? No.

Day Six

and

Day Seven

didn't happen. The previous five days was maybe a little too much to start with.

Synopsis

I'm am still ambivalent about medictating.

I know, it's seems like the right thing for me to do or I wouldn't have received so much feedback in five minutes.

Of course now that I've said it's very possible the Law of Opposites will kick in and next week, there will be NO feedback. Which is it's own form of feedback. Gah analysis stopping now.

Okay and at least I know why I sabotage any relationship before or just after it becomes a serious relationship. An agreement with myself to never get married. I sort of remember that but I think this adult me needs some more information.

I might even meditate for more than five minutes this next week or not. I'm asking myself if I need to know the answer or if acknowledging the agreement is enough.

Well see next week.

I'll see you in the Medictation Moments next week.