Medictation Moments | A Lion, No Tiger & Three Bears

Opening up and it wasn't even meditation.

First honesty, I only meditated one day in the last seven. I couldn't face me. I wasn't wanting to look at anything to do with me.

Instead I've been meeting my subconscious in dreamland. I've had some wild and amazing dreams. Aliens, hostile takeovers, moving to New York, drag queens and pancakes.

Last night for instance I dreamt of a lion, 2 chihuahua's and The 3 bears as in Papa bear, Mama bear and Baby bear. The three of them were peeking at me through a screen in a window. It was fun and funny and I wasn't afraid - at all.

Then I was sitting in a room with lots of double swinging doors. I could see outside because the doors were flapping in the breeze. I caught a glimpse of a man and lion playing on the lawn. The first glimpse I thought the man was running from the lion. The second and third glimpse confirmed they were playing.

Now, none of these sets of doors had locks or clasps. The doors all led out to a long and wide veranda which had stairs leading down to the huge expanse of lawn.

I was afraid the lion would get inside. I was afraid the lion would hurt me and eat the chihuahuas. I mentioned there were 2 chihuahuas right?

First one chihuahua pushed it's way through the door. My fear of the lion got stronger. The second chihuahua pushed it's way through the door and then I got really frightened. I started looking around for ways to block the doors.

I didn't see the lion again. I saw the bears again, looking through the window at me and I smiled and woke up.

I go up, started doing my morning things, e-mails, twitter, coffee, chauffer and after I get back, I start reading my RSS feed.

Hmmm, Havi has her Items post up and sends me off to meet Wendy Cholbi at http://www.yourwebcoaches.com. I'm reading and scrolling down the blog and what do I see - Christian The Lion.

I click to watch and wow tears just start gushing from my eyes. I mean I can't control them. I can't stop them. I don't know where they came from. I sob uncontrollably first watching the 1:17 video clip, then the longer clips...

I'm sobbing and wiping my eyes so I can keep watching and gasping for breathe because the sobs are so deep I feel nauseous.

I notice one of my dogs is standing beside me with her head down. I think she's positioned herself in one of her favorite 'pet me here spots'. I start absentmindedly petting her, still sobbing and wiping and gasping and watching.

She looks up at me and then back down. As I push my chair back to see what she's staring at I notice she has calmly, regurgitated her morning treats, directly between my feet. Nothing is on either shoe and my own nauseau is gone.

She calmly walks away and leaves me with the mess of tears, running nose and dog vomit.

I think, yeah this is the weirdest thing yet, who needs medictation?

Oh and that one day of medictation lasted for seven minutes and all I kept getting was my to do list for the day. I sort of suspected that might be the case and it was valid non-meditative feedback because I needed to be productively active that day.

You can watch the videos of Christian, The Lion below.

Past, Present...Future | The Emotion Connection

When this blog started in 2006, I was feeling the sting of my last single friend getting engaged, my most recently married friend becoming a mother and my very, very best friend coming out of the closet.

I felt shitty - confusion, anger, self-loathing and had just learned about blogging. I thought at the very least, I can channel some of that into a blog.

I was on the right train, but got off at the wrong stop. Just after all that happened, I bought my first e-book called "Blogging to the Bank" by Rob Benwell and I thought, oh-ho-ho-ho, make some money channeling onto a blog, talk about win-win-win.

I read the e-book and in theory it all sounded just peachy keen and doable.

In practice, well the archives tell that story very well.

So what happened?

Why couldn't I get a simple blog going? Simple, yeah and simple ain't easy.

Fear happened. Confrontation happened. For the love of all that is logical, analytical and common sensical in the world, emotions came up instead.

Delusions of grandeur showed up - What if this product doesn't help everyone?
Shame stood up beside ridicule and asked - What if we get laughed at? What if friends and family find this and see our deepest darkest secrets?
Fear of success AND failure pipped in - What if it doesn't work, what if it does (see shame and ridicule)?
Finally esteem and worthiness questioned - What if were just too stoopid to do this?

Wait, that last one cut deep, what if I am just to stoopid and not good enough and will always be single and will die an old dried up bitter black woman with 10 cats and 20 dogs who are emaciated and ill-cared for and, and....and...

That's when I realized, writing, in and of itself would make me face all that stuff, plus the other stuff hiding under the first stuff.

I didn't think I could face any of it and I definitely couldn't share it.

So I didn't share it.

I did start writing though, in journals. Next, I wrote morning pages, which became late night, after work, man that pisses me off pages.

I scribbled on scrap paper while I was driving.

I composed in my head and then immediately forgot what I composed when I went to write it down. So I found an old mini-cassette recorder (hey don't laugh.)

I realized I was running from something, no someone, from myself or at least half of myself, possibly my best half.

I was running from 'emotion' like it was "The Creature from the Black Lagoon".

I wasn't really running, suppressing, yes, avoiding, yes, ignoring and pretending, yes and yes.

All that came up when I decided to write a niche blog on finding a soulmate. Go figure.

No way I'm sharing, no freakin way. It was too new, too raw, too real and to use that to make money - ick, yuck, tft, tft, tft.

That was then.

Now, my present reality tells me it's time to find some strength in sharing and to acknowledge publicly that I have real, complex, confusing emotions. That I don't even know what some of them are called yet. And it doesn't matter.

Balance, that's where I'm aiming.

Ready. Fire. Action - Get Blogging To The Bank by clicking the image below.