Monday, December 13, 2010

It's Not the Beginnnig that Counts.

He knocked on my door.

In hindsight, I'm pretty sure he had been watching my comings and goings since I was pretty consistent - leave the apartment building and head to the Rapid Transit Rail to catch the very first morning train. Come home.

He knocked on my door he claims by accident. And maybe it was. He apologized, telling me he had the wrong apartment. A few days later, he knocked again, with a lame line about how he couldn't get me out of his head and had to come back to make sure I was really real. Could he come in? No. Well what about if we went out?

Things progressed quickly. I won't bore you with all the details, just highlights. He had some issues where he was living.
He moved in.
I found out I was pregnant..
He told me to abort it.
He left.
I had a miscarriage.
He came back.
He told me he loved me.
I took him back.
We became violent. (Notice I say we.)
I lost my job.
He tried to become my pimp.
I got a job as a stripper.
I realized I needed to leave the relationship.
I sold a lot of my belongings.
He stole the money from the sale and the job..
I finally left.
He disappeared.
I fell into a deep depression.

All this happened in just under 10 months.

In love relationships I was naive. I was needy and all I wanted was someone to love me. I, of course, didn't understand the concept of self love. I believed it had to come from elsewhere, someone else to be valid. And that someone else would eventually give me the permission I was seeking to love myself. He saw that need and exploited it for all it was worth.

That was a path leading nowhere fast.

Yet I continuously repeated some of the same cycle again and again until 2005.

The entire time I can say I always thought I was connected to my body. I've only come to realize (as of last night) how disconnected I am.

I can even accurately pinpoint the moment I completely disconnected from my body. My legs were dangling off the edge of a 12 story roof after I realized he had stolen my money. My butt was cold and my knuckles were white from gripping the concrete. I in my minds eye, saw my body falling through the air and heard a thud as it landed on the sidewalk below.

No one came running.
No one screamed.
No one noticed.

I swayed as the wind buffeted me. Then I swung both my legs over to the other side of  the ledge onto the graveled roof. I stood up and made my way back into my apartment.

The next week, I packed the belongings I had left and asked my parents to come get them. I kept my clothes, my blankets and two of all the basics - plates, spoons, knives, forks, cups and walked away, with the memory of my body lying on the pavement.

I left all my dreams, hopes, aspirations and one set of bodily sensations behind.

My body began screaming for my attention. I ignored it. I told it to shut up. I forced it to move. I fed it whatever was on hand. When it hurt I took pain killers. I numbed it as best I could.

I numbed it with food. I did that yesterday. I did that last night. I've been doing it now for 15 years. My body is fighting back harder and more persistently, insisting that I pay attention to it.

My body wants to save itself. By wanting to save itself, I'm having to come to terms with the fact that I still don't always believe I'm worth saving.

While I recognize that I wouldn't still be here if I were really not needed here or if I really didn't want to be here, I have to sometimes move from minute to minute reminding myself that I am am blessed to still be alive. Even and especially when it doesn't feel like a blessing.

The affirmation has been helpful, even though I'm not saying it every day. Last night I actually felt joy with an open and trusting heart.. "I have love. I am loved. I am loving. I am lovable."

I didn't quite feel the same way when I woke up the first time this morning. I haven't felt that so much as the day progresses. My thoughts are off and I find myself falling back on the old beliefs about myself which are not true. The affirmation is helping me hold my own power.

"I have love. I am loved. I am loving. I am lovable."

"I have love. I am loved. I am loving. I am lovable."

"I have love. I am loved. I am loving. I am lovable."

If you're feeling like you're not sure you still want to be here remember:

"You have love. You are loved. You are loving. You are lovable."

"You have love. You are loved. You are loving. You are lovable."
"You have love. You are loved. You are loving. You are lovable."