Emotional Pack Rat - Unpacking My Anger

Have you ever cleaned out your emotional closet and dusted it's shelves? There are reasons of course, no one truly wants to admit we are holding onto some instance of a by gone and woe begotten relationship with an emotion.

I'm not different and yet, recently it came to my attention that even beauty was pissing me off with it's presence. Sure I could see it and experience it and then for what appeared to be no reason, it would just piss me right off and I'd stomp away pouting.

So after losing myself with Clive Barker's "WeaveWorld" and Terry Goodkind's "The Law of Nines" over the long Memorial day holiday here in the states, I determined that my emotional closet had to be cleared, no matter what.

Of course that brought up more procrastination, instead of less and it's taken me another 3 weeks to open the closet door.

A few days ago, I grabbed some rags (words), water (time) and cleaner (the right mindset) and had at it. I wrote down each and everything I could think of that I was angry about. It's not a pretty list. Anger isn't pretty and yet to let it sit on a shelf growing moldy and dusty creates even larger long term problems.

I'm not editing this list. It's one of the promises I made to myself when I started this blog. Some of the things here I may be angry about for a while longer. Some I have already released. I find it's important to be as real with myself as possible. I cried a lot during the writing and it took most of my day. I've been napping for 3 or 4 hours every day since. I'm empty and napping helps me replinish my well with cool live giving waters. I know I've mixed metaphors and butchered others.

I am angry that I was molested and my parents knew about it and didn't bother to stop it.

I am angry that my parents are in denial about what happened and instead choose to hide it with alcohol and food.

I am angry because their actions helped create the belief that I am not worth very much to anyone.

I am angry because my actions continue to confirm how little I believe I'm worth.

I am angry because I don't feel I need to have to take responsibility for myself or my actions, (said in a whining voice in my head) if they won't take responsibility for theirs.

I am angry because I've done stupid things that I can't take back.

I am angry because I don't know that I would take them back if I had to do it all over again.

I am angry that I allowed myself to fall into this kind of mental, spiritual, emotional and physical despair.

I am angry because the world isn't fair. (said in a whining voice in my head)

I am angry because I don't love myself and don't believe I am worthy of loving myself, even though I try to put up a good front.

I am angry because I can't go out and buy myself anything.

I am angry because I am addicted to junk food.

I am angry because my life is in shambles.

I am angry because I am almost 40 years old and I live with my parents.

I am angry because I don't want what I have and can't have what I want.

I am angry because I've never been close to myself before and I'm a bitch.

I am angry because I hide my bitchness with a false sense of kindness.

I am angry because I don't know how to be that bitchy me and still have people like me.

I am angry because my innocence was stolen before I even knew that I had innocence and I can't ever fucking get it back.

I am angry because I quit things I ought not to have quit.

I am angry because the people I've tried to love (men) haven't wanted to love me back.

I am angry that black men don't want to love me the way I want to be loved.

I am angry that I can't yet love me the way I want to be loved.

I am angry because I've been told I have no real voice.

I am angry because I've been told as a black southern woman that I am supposed to be angry and be ashamed of being angry.

I am angry because as a woman I've been told I need to just accept what is given to me.

I am angry because the people who told me this are the same people who did these heinous things to me or allowed them to happen.

I am angry because I see these same messages being passed down to the women a generation below me.

I am angry because not one single person is calling me on my bullshit and it's what I need.

I am angry because not one single person has the balls to call me on my bullshit, even after I tell them that's what I need.

I am angry that all this pain and rage has been turned against me, by me.

I am angry that men have dicks.

I am angry that women are entered.

I am angry that I am a woman.

I am angry that I want to be a woman.

I am angry that as a woman I still believe I'm weak.

I am angry that this stereotype continues to perpetuate itself.

I am angry that I can't seem to remove this stereotype from myself, even though I've seen other women remove it.

I am angry that I haven't ever been proposed to except in my dreams.

I am angry that I don't have a degree yet.

I am angry that I own almost $200,000 to creditors, the IRS and the federal freakin government.

I am angry that the government takes so much of any money I earn and spends it on things I absolutely don't agree with.

I am angry that the government is only getting worse, more bloated and less effective daily.

I am angry that people, including myself don't speak up.

I am angry that most of what we hear in the media is half truth spun to the most negative or sensationalist thing possible.

I am angry that I am not earning money to support myself.

I am angry that this stupid earache is still lingering.

I am angry that my truck is in poor condition.

I am angry that I can't take my dogs to the vet.

I am angry that I need to get a fuckin' job.

I am angry that I don't want to get a fuckin' job.

I am angry that I think the only way to earn any decent money is to become a time prostitute.

I am angry that I was taught being a time prostitute was the best way to get ahead.

I am angry that I can't seem to break free of the shackles of time prostitution.

I am angry that I don't have good habits.

I am angry that I don't have a home of my own.

I am angry that my parents choose to live like this.

I am angry that my father is an alcoholic.

I am angry that my mother is overweight.

I am angry that my parents don't want to be as healthy as they possibly can be.

I am angry that this town is so shameful for me.

I am angry at my inabilty to walk in my neighborhood for fear of ridicule and my own internal shame.

I am angry that I can look out and see all the houses (almost) of every boy I ever had sex with in this neighborhood surrounding me like a moat.

I am angry that I feel the way I do.

I am angry that I don't feel loved.

I am angry that I don't expect to feel loved.

I am angry that the kitten died.

I am angry that my first dog died.

I am angry that the dog I didn't even like died.

I am angry that the bird died.

I am angry that I don't choose to celebrate the good.

I am angry that my focus seems to always be on the bad.

I am angry that I feel I have to wear masks to get people to like me.

I am angry that I don't believe people will like the real me.

I am angry because I don't know the real me.

I am angry because I am passive aggressive.

I am angry because I am living in denial.

I am angry because I am fat.

I am angry because I won't take regular showers due to feeling uncomfortable.

I am angry because I've always felt like an outsider.

I am angry because I've always been ridiculed by others.

I am angry that others couldn't or didn't want to see how much their ridicule hurt me.

I am angry that others just didn't give a fuck.

I am angry that I haven't ever really been able to stand up for myself.

I am angry that I can't speak my own truth.

I am angry that I can't remember most of my childhood.

I am angry that the two times I tried to kill myself I failed.

I am angry that this life keeps on handing me lemons.

I am angry that I keep seeing the lemons and can't find the sugar.

I am angry that I eat the way I eat.

I am angry that I lie to myself.

I am angry that I lie to others.

I am angry that others can see my shame.

I am angry that others can see me period.

I am angry that I feel shame.

I am angry because I've been told so many fuckin' times I have no right to be angry when I have every right to be whatever the fuck I want to be.

I am angry that I've been told I have no right to cry or feel sad or be unhappy or do whatever the fuck I want to do because it would look bad on them.

I am angry because I am still living my life to please the people I think I need to please.

I am angry because I can't beat up my molestors without going to jail myself.

I am angry because I never spoke up.

I am angry because no one ever heard the cries I did make.

I am angry because turning shit over to God doesn't stop the shit from happening or make it any better.

I am angry because God gave us free will.

I am angry because God didn't intervene the way I thought s/he should have.

I am angry because I liked some of what I do remember that was done to me.

I am angry because I am getting horny now thinking of what was done to me by my molestors.

I am angry because I don't think I can control myself.

I am angry because I don't want to subject children to my care because I don't think I can control myself.

I am angry because I can't ever say that out loud to anyone for fear of rejection.

I am angry because I am still carrying all this bullshit from my past.

I am angry because I didn't keep any of my money from when I was stripping.

I am angry because I didn't save any money from when I was working a job.

I am angry because I don't think I can own and have a profitable business.

I am angry because I want a profitable business and don't think I'm worthy of one.

I am angry because of what I think about myself.

I am angry because of who I think I am.

I am angry because I believe the stories I tell myself.

I am angry because I think I can't be anything else.

I am angry because I have so much internal conflict.

I am angry because I've pissed away so many opportunities.

I am angry because I am not married.

I am angry because I am not financially secure.

I am angry because I live with meat eaters.

I am angry because (said in a whining voice in my head) I want someone to care about me more than I care about myself.

I am angry because I do not care about myself.

I am angry because I am having to learn at 39 years old how to care for my self.

I am angry because I don't finish things.

I am angry because I don't start things.

I am angry because I procrastinate on things.

I am angry that I am using an older computer with very little RAM.

I am angry because I can't afford a new computer.

I am angry because I keep telling myself I can't.

I am angry because others keep telling me I can't.

I am angry because others are telling me I'm wrong.

I am angry because that stupid voice in my head keeps telling me to get a job.

I am angry because that voice won't shut up.

I am angry that I have to ask for help monetarily.

I am angry that I have to ask the very people who are in denial for their help.

I am angry because I have to ask the people I blame for help.

I am angry because I blame other people for the current state of my life.

I am angry because I don't want to blame other people and yet I do blame them.

I am angry because I don't want to take responsibility for my life.

I am angry because I am tired of being.

I am angry because I have no idea how to express all the rage boiling inside of me.

I am angry because I was hurt.

I am angry because I wear hidden scars.

I am angry because I don't believe anyone will believe me.

I am angry because no one, not one single solitary person in my childhood reached out and helped me.

I am angry because I felt totally alone in my childhood.

I am angry because of my childhood.

I am angry that I am alive.

I am angry that I am a coward.

I am angry that I cry because I am alive.

I am angry that I cry because of something from my past.

I am angry that I have to go to trauma resolution therapy.

I am angry that I woke up to the truth.

I am angry that I can't yet live up to the truth.

I am angry that this body is weak.

I am angry that this body gets hurt.

I am angry that this body holds all those stupid memories and won't let me access them.

I am angry at Toot.

I am angry at Tim.

I am angry at Chip.

I am angry at Erskine.

I am angry at Miguel.

I am angry at Chris.

I am angry at Aaron.

I am angry at all the men I had sex with.

I am angry at myself for wanting to have sex with women.

I am angry Essence.

I am angry at myself for getting pregnant by some who's real name I don't even fuckin know.

I am angry at myself for falling while rollerblading and causing a miscarriage.

I am angry that I think I caused the miscarriage.

I am angry I lost my child.

I am angry I got pregnant.

I am angry that I have no money.

I am angry that I continue living with my parents.

I am angry at those who have money.

I am angry because they have money and I don't.

I am angry because I need money.

I am angry that I carry shame around the need for money.

I am angry at some of what I've done for money.

I am angry that I believed I had to do those things at the time for money.

I am angry that I went against myself.

I am angry that I didn't listen to my intuition.

I am angry that I was raped.

I am angry that I was raped and tried to kill myself because of it.

I am angry that I tried to kill myself and my father saw the evidence of it and did nothing.

I am angry that I might have chosen the two of them as parents.

I am angry because if I didn't chose them, they were chosen for me.

I am angry at the entity who would chose them for me.

I am angry at this soul who decided to incarnate itself.

I am angry that the powers of the soul are so diluted in this body.

I am angry that I made choices.

I am angry that I didn't make choices.

I am angry where I am given choices to make.

I am angry where I am not given any choices to make.

I am angry that I can't be satisfied.

I am angry that I need satisfaction.

I am angry that I am compelled to seek satisfaction.

I am angry that I say I can't write.

I am angry that I am angry.

I am angry that birds are birds.

I am angry that spiders are spiders.

I am angry that trees are trees.

I am angry that weeds are weeds.

I am angry that beauty strikes me even in the midst of anger.

I am angry that I have to write all this shit down about being angry.

I am angry that my anger feels like it is never ending.

I am angry that my anger is surface anger.

I am angry that my anger is covering up what's really going on.

I am angry that my anger is really denial.

I am angry that my anger is really procrastination.

I am angry that I have to spend $10 on getting "professional help" each week.

I am angry that I haven't had $10 for the last three weeks to get that "professional help".

I am angry that people judge me.

I am angry that I care that people judge me.

I am angry because I am not sovereign yet.

I am angry that I am not sovereign enough for me yet.

I am angry that I even know what the word sovereign means.

I am angry that I have values.

I am angry that I haven't lived by my values.

I am angry that my parents tried to instill "righteouness" in me.

I am angry that God left me here.

I am angry that God tells me I am not alone.

I am angry that there might not be a God.

I am angry that none of this may matter.

I am angry that if it does matter, it's still bullshit.

I am angry that it's hard.

I am angry that I have emotions.

I am angry that I hid my emotions.

I am angry that I display my emotions.

I am angry that I try not to display my emotions.

I am angry that my anger could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

I am angry that I've been writing about being angry for over an hour and it's not better yet.

I am angry that by focusing on my anger is making my anger worse.

I am angry because I am eating oatmeal for breakfast.

I am angry because it's oatmeal I didn't buy with money I haven't earned, using cinnamon and brown sugar and soy and water which I also didn't pay to obtain.

I am angry because I expect that oatmeal will be there, even though I had nothing to do with making it be there.

I am angry because I feel the need to manipulate others to get what I want.

I am angry that I feel that way.

I am angry that I control my feelings.

I am angry that I don't do a good job of controlling my feelings.

I am angry that someone has created a belief that I need to control my feelings.

I am angry that I can't name that someone.

I am angry because I continue to react to the belief given to me by the someone which says I need to control my feelings.

I am angry that I am vain.

I am angry that I feel the need to hide that vanity.

I am angry that I believe I need to hide that vanity or go to hell for it.

I am angry that I believe I there is a hell to which I can go.

I am angry that I am sitting on the fence of beliefs.

I am angry that control of feelings has for me, morphed into stuffing the feelings.

I am angry that all these stuffed feelings will eventually express themselves in some way.

I am angry that I don't know what those ways of expression will be.

I am angry that I will never be able to list all the things I'm angry about.

I am angry because "I will never be able to list all the things I'm angry about" is a repeat.

I am angry that people still think other people are less than, better than, more than other people.

I am angry that I am one of those people.

I am angry that it is not enough for me to say I am one of those people.

I am angry that it is not enough for me to say I an not one of those people and then NOT be one of those people.

I am angry that debt collectors have the right to call and harass me.

I am angry that debt collectors are taught to harass the people they call.

I am angry that society even has a concept of debt.

I am angry that I gave into the concept of debt and made it a reality for me.

I am angry that I can't take that "giving in" back.

I am angry that I can take that "giving in" back by paying off all the debt.

I am angry that I didn't know any better.

I am angry that I didn't care at the time.

I am angry that I didn't know my grandfather better.

I am angry that I didn't know either of my great grandmothers better.

I am angry that I don't like how my relatives live.

I am angry that it's not my place to make my relatives life decisions for them.

I am angry that I think I could live their life better than they can.

I am angry that I laughed at the idea that I could live their life better than they can.

I am angry that my ear is throbbing because of an infection.

I am angry that the sun is shining and birds are chirping.

I am angry that one of my dogs is looking at me.

I am angry that the other dog is ignoring me completely.

I am angry that my anger is now turning to laughter.

I am angry that my oatmeal is waiting for me.

I am angry that the oatmeal doesn't excite my tastebuds.

I am angry that I should be grateful for having the oatmeal at all.

I am angry that in spite of myself, I will enjoy eating the oatmeal.

I am angry that this whole exercise in being angry is pointless.

I am angry that my attitude is one of anger.

I am angry because I know how to change my attitude.

I am angry because I choose not to change my attitude.

I am angry because I chose the choice not to change my attitude.

I am angry because that last sentence is convoluted.

I am angry because I am now talking meta about anger.

I am angry that I spend money which is not mine.

I am angry that I believe I have the right to spend money which is not mine.

I am angry that I believe the persons money which I am spending will not mind.

I am angry that the person whos money I am spending will not have a conversation about it.

I am angry that the person whos money I am spending believes it's okay to tell me what to do.

I am angry that I don't want to hear that I am a hypocrite.

I am angry that I don't want to hear the truth.

I am angry that I don't know what is truth.

I am angry that I care.

I am angry that I don't want to care.

I am angry that anyone else who reads this will not agree with all of it.

I am angry that I need someone to agree with everything I believe.

I am angry that I had to hide my true self when I was a child.

I am angry that I still don't know my true self as an adult.

I am angry that I have to spend time searching through all my own bullshit for my true self.

I am angry that I gave myself so much bullshit.

I am angry that it has been more than two hours now since I started this I am angry crusade.

I am angry because I don't feel like I can quit yet.

I am angry because I want to quit now.

I am angry that my neediness has been rejected by men.

I am angry that my neediness has been used by men.

I am angry that I distanced myself from my own neediness.

I am angry that I used my own neediness against myself.

I am angry that I used my own neediness against others.

I am angry that part of me wants me to go get a job.

I am angry that I hear voices in my head.

I am angry that I hear music in my head.

I am angry that I can't translate the music so others can hear it.

I am angry that I can't silence the voices.

I am angry because the voices don't scare me.

I am angry that even though I know it's not in my best interest, I am waiting for someone else to tell me what to do.

I am angry that no one else can tell me what to do, that is solely in my best interest and with only my needs in mind.

I am angry that my father fills this house with smoke.

I am angry that my father fills this house with smoke and believes he has the right to put my health at risk.

I am angry that my father does not want to be a healthy human being.

I am angry that my relatives are how they are.

I am angry that I am back here writing what I am angry about after I closed it once already.

I am angry that I am angry about so much.

I am angry that anger isn't enough to change a goddamn thing.

I am angry that my stomach looks like it's carrying a baby.

I am angry that I don't have six pack abs.

I am angry that I am not perfect.

I am angry that the idea of perfection is what it is.

I am angry that I don't want to believe I am not broken.

I am angry that I don't want to accept that I am as I am.

I am angry because I want to change myself.

I am angry because I feel the need to change myself so I'm better.

I am angry that I need to feel "better".

I am angry that I have to sit in this room with something over my nose and mouth so I don't breath in cigarette smoke.

I am angry because any attempt to improve myself is met with resistance from myself.

I am angry because any attempt to improve myself is met with resistance from other people.

I am angry because other people think I should just stay how I am.

I am angry because my grandmother thinks I'm a good granddaughter.

I am angry because I don't want to be a good granddaughter.

I am angry because I don't want to be my grandmothers version of what a good granddaughter is.

I am angry because I don't know what my version of being a good granddaughter is.

I am angry that I want a distraction from this diatribe of being angry.

I am angry that I can't write what I want to say coherently.

I am angry that I am not sure I know what I want to write.

I am angry that I've never opened my heart to real love.

I am angry that I didn't know until very recently that I had never opened my heart to real love.

I am angry that the lesson took so long to learn.

I am angry that I was blind to truth.

I am angry that I've been deaf to truth.

I am angry that all my efforts have been to win my freedom.

I am angry that all my efforts have been against myself to win my freedom.

I am angry that my ear is itching because of this ear infection.

I am angry that ears can get infected.

I am angry that I am foolish.

I am angry that I have dreams.

I am angry that those dreams are not yet reality.

I am angry that reality is different for each of us.

I am angry that reality isn't truth.

I am angry that reality is an illusion.

I am angry with being patient.

I am angry with leaping in.

I am angry with my desires.

I am angry with my vices.

I am angry with my lack of direction.

I am angry that I quit my job.

I am angry that I messed up my credit.

I am angry that I messed up my mothers credit.

I am angry that my mother gave me permission to use her social security number.

I am angry that I asked for her social security number.

I am angry that I wasn't smarter with credit.

I am angry that I feel like a fool.

I am angry that I messed up my father's credit.

I am angry that my father cosigned on a private student loan with me.

I am angry that I asked my father to cosign on a private student loan with me.

I am angry that I messed up my aunt's credit.

I am angry that I didn't pay the bill in her name.

I am angry that my aunt gave me her social security number.

I am angry that I asked my aunt for her social security number.

I am angry that I've been careless with money.

I am angry that this anger is still bubbling.

I am angry because I don't know what to do with this anger.

I am angry because society doesn't want me to be angry.

I am angry because I am passive aggressive.

I am angry because I know for sure I repeated myself on being passive aggressive.

I am angry because nothing is turning out like I wanted it to.

I am angry because I didn't have a clue about how things were going to turn out.

I am angry because I didn't acknowledge I had ideas about how I wanted things to turn out.

I am angry because I live in a house that is falling down around me.

I am angry because I think I deserve better than to live in a house falling down around me but I don't believe I deserve better than that.

I am angry because I don't believe I deserve it, so I won't bother to work for it.

I am angry because I don't want to work for it.

I am angry because I want work how I work not how I'm expected to work.

I am angry because I don't now how I work.

I am angry because I've acted stupidly.

I am angry because I can't seem to stop being angry.

I am angry because I'm bored.

I am angry because I bore myself.

I am angry because I am a bore.

I am angry because I abhor myself.

I am angry because I am abhorred.