Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Perceiving the Hard and Super-Advanced

I talked yesterday about starting at the hard, super advanced end of what ever it is that I want to start.

The initial insight was related to meditation, yet it's a strategy I've used just about everywhere.

It especially applies to what I've called myself doing the last few months. Big, scary, audacious idea of owning a company, a business, in a multi-million dollar, a lucrative, lifestyle business.

Oh man, I played right into my pattern of "start with the super advanced and fail".

Hello, what was I thinking? I don't know what it takes to provide a service or product, which is not attached to a paycheck every two weeks, especially if it doesn't work. Talk about scary. My mind is already spending my non-existent million dollar salary from my none existent multi-million dollar lucrative, lifestyle business.

That is so very wrong. First, I need to consistently make $1, then $10, then $100, then $1,000 and then we can talk about those bigger numbers. If I stay in my head, by next week I'll be a billionaire with what I could do. While in reality, I'll still be digging change out of the sofa cushions to buy something off a dollar menu somewhere.

First I need to make $1.00. Then simultaneously increase that to a living wage and build a business, using a strategic systems approach.

Wow that sounds so technically professional. Still. . .

First I need to make $1.00.

Then I realized whatever I do to make the first and subsequent dollars:

  1. I need to believe I can do this, in the moment and then reiterate the belief with action
  2. It needs to resonate with me
  3. It need to be authentically me, whatever it is
  4. It needs to start with skills I already possess
  5. I need to enjoy doing at least 75% of the work if the work is going to get done
  6. The only investment needs to be time because funds are nil
  7. It needs to generate cash flow almost immediately
So, I've narrowed things down and I'm reading a specific plan. I'm reading and noticing my engagement and excitement and concentration. I hear my little voice say, I can do this. This sounds good, it feels good. Okay, let's do it. I'm almost finished reading and getting myself geared up for action, when I read,

"My first ad/article is sooo bad...I am embarassed to put my name on it! So don't! Use a pen name or pseudonym...like a stage name."
and I notice a knot in the pit of my stomach. My motivation is sinking and now I'm feeling "whoa, you can't do that. It's vile and reprehensible. People won't trust you if you do that, so let's just look for something else to do to make money (like get a real job) and think about growing this 'little business idea thingy' some other way, 'kay?"

Where did the I can do this feeling go so quickly and why did it leave?

So I step away and go for a walk and while I'm standing in the woods, feet resting on moss and rocks and pine needles I notice her standing alone, head down, exuding shame from every pore...

and I understand. Oh, I know her. She's from my past, my past life of ill repute and 'those jobs'.

Ohhhhhh the connection. "Those jobs" pushed us out of this body in the first place. "Those jobs" were all about easy money and us pretending to be something, someone else and all the pain and humiliation that resulted from it."

I do also remember feeling the same exact way in "my real jobs."

So what is this really about?

It's about the fear of shaming myself, shamming others and getting trapped in one more way to uhm, pr0sititue myself.

It's a perception.

It's my perception of others who are okay having, 'pen names', when I'm not okay having one. It's my perception of how shameful the words 'stage name' are. It also about protection against external invalidation and ostracizing.

Perceptions. All I want to do is make my first $1.00 online and instead I'm dealing with perceptions.

Vicious, viscous loop.

Maybe I'm rushing into this. Maybe I need a plan. Now that sounds hard and super advanced.

Yes a plan and another perspective, maybe create some new associations for those perceptions.


  1. Minerva,

    You and I must be cut from the same material. I've always shot for the super advanced too, and of course failed. Have you thought about how to make that first dollar? I know this takes a swallow of the pride, but how about something really easy . . . maybe writing some articles and posting them on an article directory with the link to an affiliate product? Just a thought. I know it's not big, but it's something. And after all, once you learn to make some money doing something easy you can always write an ebook about HOW you made some money in a super easy way . . . because others are looking for their first $1 too!

    But the way to be different from 99% percent of those who write how to ebooks like that is to actually MAKE the money first.

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  3. @Terry You said it when I wasn't willing to admit it. Pride and oh boy does that bring up the fire and brimstone critic in my head.

    Definitely this mental tug of war is not about I can do this, it's about who do I think I am saying, feeling, thinking I can do this.

    Geesh and there goes my perfectionist, who deleted the comment ^ up there because I missed one stupid word, which you probably would have read even though it wasn't there.

  4. This is fascinating. Have you thought about how much you might be rejecting yourself and your own ability to do this?

    I've been considering that myself. The "Who do I think I am to X?" comes up - it's like when the teacher or parent says who d'you think you are to believe you're great/worthy. As though we must be humble and deny ourselves love.

    Does that make any sense?

  5. @isabeljoelyblack - it makes perfect sense and I had that sort of realization today and definitely yes it is me rejecting myself and my abilities...knowing that intellectually doesn't really stop it from happening though does it?


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