Monday, June 15, 2009

Left Eye Twitches When I Should On Myself

I've been noticing lately how my left eye is twitching and connecting the thoughts just before noticing the twitching and how all those thoughts are shoulds, coulds, what ifs, need tos and if onlies.

This realization led me to practice for just a few moments being exactly in the right now.. As in right now I am typing these words, hearing my fingernails click on the keyboard and feeling the resistance of the keys against the tip of each nail as I strike it. And the moment will end when this is done and the publish button has been clicked.

And my eye is not twitching until I notice an most minute twitch the moment I typed 'is not'. And just how quickly I am removed from being in the moment. I watch my mind sensor the words, thinking 'oh I'll change that on the edit', in some future not too long from this moment. Words formed of letters all working together, emerges another thought. On the edit a smell assaulting my nostrils and the thought that being in the moment and editing words and thoughts from moments before is an never ending story.

There were sentences thought, filtered out, changed, rearranged because in a future moment I found them to be unweildy and I wonder if I'll ever be able to not filter, change, rearrange anything and still have it be what is needed. Accept it as the reaction to some thought I've had before in a past moment that I no longer even remember.

Here is where I'll admit a mistake. I realize I made a mistake thinking I could work for myself earning money online in this moment. I cannot support myself from my haphazard, unplanned, loosely adhered to endeavors, yet. Too much at stake, too many unfulfilled prior obligations. So I a decision in the moment. Job searching.

Those sentences feel so 'future'. Yet my eye doesn't twitch because I'm not shoulding on myself, coulding, what ifing, needing to or if onlying.

That is right now right where I am. In each moment as it occurs. What more do I need to ask for? Ah, slight twitch on typing the word need and a much larger twitch on typing the typing of the realization of the twitch. Out of the moment again.

It is a difficult thing to stay in the moment and notice all that is in that moment with me. Eyes closed, panting dog, drone of a small airplane passing overhead. Chirping birds, breeze of the fan brushing the tiny hairs on my face and neck. Another car and the clack clack, clack, clack of chains hanging on a door of another room as that rooms fan moves them with it's rotational force. Clack clack clack the fan rotates and whirrs moving in two directions simulatneosly, neither impeding on the other. Returning 180 degrees clack clack clack clack clack.

It's not optimal where I am right now but it is right now and it's all I'm promised. I don't know when that last moment will come. None of us do until we are in that moment.

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