Friday, March 13, 2009

I Think I May, I Think I Might

I think I might, I think I may, yes here's what I want to be today:

a copywriter
a blues singer
a published author
a marathon runner
an amazing race contestant
an Architect
a friend
a wife
a mother
a business owner
a rescue dog foster parent
a vegetable gardener
a land owner
a scuba diver
a world traveler
debt-free and financially secure
a polyglot
a mentor
a speaker
an artist
a marketer
a dream builder
a radio broadcaster
a talk show host
a race car driver
a vintage car owner
a real estate developer
a vegan

and the thing is I want to do it all by the end of the day. Yes, today, not tomorrow, not next year. Not in a decade. By the End of the Day.

So I go find other people doing those things. I imagine I am them doing those things.

And since the body doesn't know the difference between a really well imagined day dream where you're imagining all the sensations, sounds, smells and emotions and actually doing those things, I have done all those things by the end of the day. Haven't I? In my mind. In my imagination. Yes.

Only when I come out of the really fantastically imagined day dream, of being a copywriter, a blues singer, a published author, a marathon runner, an amazing race contestant, an Architect, a friend, a wife, a mother, a business owner, a rescue dog foster parent, a vegetable gardener, a land owner, a scuba diver, a world traveler, debt-free and financially secure, a polyglot, a mentor, a speaker, an artist, a marketer, a dream builder, a radio broadcaster, a talk show host, a race car driver, a vintage car owner, a real estate developer, a vegan.

The weeds are still growing in the plot for the garden, the copy is half written and the bio box is still simmering. I don't understand the woman speaking Spanish behind me.

Reality, I am her bitch. She's cold and harsh and I'm trying to be loving and compassionate with myself.

I go back to my daydreams because they are easy.

I don't finish bio boxes. I write short fiction instead. I read Havi, Steve, Jen, Joely, Seth, Naomi and many, many others and I daydream and live vicariously through them for just a little while. Fuel for the fire, I call it but sometimes it's just another from of procrastination. They share with me their emotions and I accept them, meaning to convert them into my own dreams.

My problem. I really do want all this by the end of the day. I don't have Someday Syndrome. I have Todayolism. Am I a todayolist or a today-o-holic?

When I want to be a blues singer, I can put on some Bessie Smith and sing with her inside the walls of my room and the window becomes a stage. The dogs, the trees, the birds, the grass, flowers and bees become an audience.

I'm here floating along and I'm appreciating it all most of it, especially the freedom. The lack of clarity, not so much appreciated. The opportunity to explore with an adult mind and a child's curiosity, immensely appreciative.

Still, I don't yet know how to fake it till I make it, with pretending I am debt-free and financially secure. I think it requires more than my imagination and more than pretending. Unless somehow I can turn grass and air and sounds of nature into currency.

Wait, isn't that what they already are? Current see and free, available to anyone with a willingness to spend a little time enjoying them.

Only they won't pay my student loan bills.

I believe there are people further along the road than I am. I mentioned them. They may even be talking to you already.

I know that to gain the real experience takes time, effort, energy, focus, persistence and tenacity all led by desire. Once the desire fades, even a little, usually time, energy, effort, focus and persistence fade, significantly.

I don't want to drown desire in words and imagination only. I don't want the desire to be overtaken, swallowed by a tidal wave of reality.

I want to ride the wave, propelled by time, effort, energy, focus and persistence. I want to swallow life, wholly and fully. So it's question time. . .

I think I might, I think I may, Yes here's what I wanna be today and now I say, in just what way, what one small thing can I do today, to bring my wanna be's my way?
If I listen to the advice of many, I'll choose one and move forward, leaving the others behind.

When I think about that I notice it feels like I'm abandoning all the other parts of me. Is this what a Renaissance woman feels like?

Instead I'll focus a little time on each desire and take whatever step I can take to achieve each of my 'wanna be's'.

What I desire most is to do, with love and compassion, one thing, today, even if it looks infinitesimally small, especially if it looks that small, to move me closer to all of of my long and growing list of wanna be's.

I think I might, I think I may, Yes this here's what I can do today.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Not all comments will appear immediately as comment moderation is enabled.