Tuesday, July 28, 2009

A Conversation with Resistance | Resistance is Futile

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, probably too much along the lines of why I can't or don't do what I want to do.

I've given myself permission.

I've double checked to make sure it is what I want and yet resistance still shows up, still stops me and I decided to ask it directly why.

I'm not as good at being compassionate with myself as Havi is on her Fluent Self blog, when talking to her walls, monsters and such. Still I'm talking and personally, that's what counts.

Me: Resistance, yo what up, what you doin' here?
Resistance: Hey, yeah just hanging out so you don't mess something up.

Me: Oh, well that's cool. I don't want to mess something up.
Resistance: Yeah it sucks when you mess up. Remember that time....

Me: Uh, resistance could we not talk about that except, hey...wait a minute...you were there then too and I thought you hung around so I didn't mess things up. What happened with that one?
Resistance: Weeelll, seeee...I don't have to tell you anything. I'm Resistance.

Me: Very true, very true. I guess you win that round. I'll concede on the grounds that resistance is futile.
Resistance: Well I'm keeping you from doing what you wanted to do, so you don't mess it up. So how futile is that?

Me: Hmm, very obviously since I'm not getting anything done. Just writing this conversation out and that isn't going to get us anywhere is it? Because you win, remember, resistance is futile.
Resistance: Well if you think you're gonna make me feel shame about being futile, don't forget you feel what I feel so...

Me: Resistance, yes of course you're right and I understand. It's not the messing up something you want to keep us away from, it's the shame that messing up creates. You want to keep us away from the shame. Thank you for that. I really do appreciate it because shame has been debilitating. So what do you suggest...wait, don't answer that... I know what you suggest - resistance, hardyharhar.
Resistance: Well I am resistance. What else do you expect from me? I do what I do best - resist. You want me to go so you can mess something up and feel shame?

Me: Errr....well....no, not exactly.
Resistance: Then we're agreed.

Me: Actually resistance, no we're not agreed. I said you won. I conceded on the grounds that resistance is futile. It's a waste of energy. It's making the easy, complicated. It's keeping me away from doing what I think it's best for me to do to get what and where I want and be responsible for my actions and have my autonomy. We can't hang out anymore and I was hoping, I guess, to get some ideas on what you needed so we didn't hang out in this place of struggle. Let me understand this, right now you keep me from feeling shame, by keeping me from messing up?
Resistance: Yes.

Me: Let's drop the messing up part for a minute and find some ways to deal with the shame, cause come on, we're gonna mess up, we need to know how to handle the shame. We need to cope with it, recognize it for what it is. Resistance, what do you need so that can happen?
Resistance: It's what you need, "to know the outcome and the probability of the outcome before you take the action."

Me: Seriously, that's what I need to move beyond you? [Thinking we're screwed. Then realizing it's resistances futility making it look like we're screwed.] Okay, we need to spend some time daily determining possible outcomes to actions we'd like to take? I can do that [I can't do that. That will take forever and we'll never get anything done] and list them in order of the greatest to the least probable. I'll spend an hour doing that for the next week. What else resistance? What happens to our relationship after that's done?
Resistance: ... [Thinking it'll never happen. Resisting resistance is futile. hehehehehehehehe. Evil laugh cuts out abruptly.]

Me: [Clearing throat] Hey Resistance, remember I know what you're thinking and honestly I'm thinking you think you just helped me spend another hour not doing what I wanted to do so I'm posting this conversation on the blog instead.
Resistance: And I heard you, too... [Good my evil plan is working. That will take another 30 or 40 minutes and then it's time to get ready for The Meeting.]

Me: resistance, I heard that. You and me, we're not done. There's something you aren't sharing with me. Something about shame and I want to know what it is, but you're right. We're out of time. There will be a part deux. Mark my words resistance. Mark my words.
Resistance: ...

No one was harmed in this conversation, except maybe a few thoughts who were shocked out of their comfortable rut.

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