Friday, May 29, 2009

It's like being an irritable 2 year old

I keep wanting something they can't give and I keep allowing the frustration of not getting it to control my actions. It's like being a irritable two year old...

...only I'm 38 and almost a 1/2.

Geesh and I'm all complaining about what they don't do. And how they just aren't getting it. And it's me. It's me the whole time. I hate that. No really I'm glad that I see it now, yet it sucks because I didn't see it before even though I've talked about it. You know, me being my own authority.

Yeah! See I thought I saw it. I thought I was doing it. I was sort of, on the surface.

The Rat taught me differently. I don't want to poison The Rat. I don't. I do, but I'll feel guilty about killing something. So I don't want to feel guilty. No scratch that. I don't want to be guilty. So I put it on them.

If only they would...
Why won't they...
When will they...
They, they, they

Only this isn't about them is it? I mean, I'm already guilty. I bought the poison. I had the intention of getting rid of The Rat by poisoning it. I decided to purchase the industrial strength stuff. They were content to complain about The Rat. I wanted to take decisive action, only then I started feeling guilty and realized I didn't want to be guilty of killing one of gods creatures.* yeah I know it's not one of gods best creatures and god is in lowercase because s/he and i are part of each other and therefore there is no need to make her/him be all distinct and standoutish and proper. Our relationship isn't proper it's intimate so whatever, back to The Rat.

So now I'm making it be about them, when it's really about my own guilt at killing something that was created with the same breath I was created with and I can't do it. It is not in my nature to kill.

I try to avoid the caterpillars crossing the road. I cried for the dog that got hit on the expressway and then got mad at myself for not stopping to pick the dog up and take it to the vet. Every time I see road kill I say a little prayer for it. I root for the chickens to get free from the cages on the trucks taking them to their death, so they can instead die by their own wing and chicken feet, trying to cross the road because they want to get to the other side, the way they want to get to the other side.

So, yeah I can't kill The Rat. I can't poison it. It's not them. It's me.

I keep hoping the instincts of one of the dogs will take over and then it's more natural. They haven't.

I keep hoping that my thoughts and the Law of Repulsion energy will send The Rat and it's brood, or whatever you call a rat family, on it's way. They haven't.

I keep wanting one of my roommates to take decisive action and handle their shit, but they don't.

I remember reading or watching a PBS special once about a religion that honors rats. I'm not sure I want to go that far, yet I do want to honor my desire to evict The Rat. Can I send The Rat there?

No comments:

Post a Comment

Not all comments will appear immediately as comment moderation is enabled.