Sunday, April 05, 2009

Words Control Us

Words control us. It is not until we* begin taking total responsibility for ourselves
and become our own authority that words will no longer be able to control us unconsciously.

Seriously, did I just use, 'we' and 'us' and 'ourselves'? Because who am I to tell you what 'our' responsibility is.

Words control me.

It was not until I began taking total responsibility for myself and become my own authority that words no longer will be able to control me unconsciously.

Becoming conscious to that is some damn hard work.

The lesson sank in more deeply after Havi's reply to a comment on her Friday Check-in #35 post. There is much that fed into the lesson, yet it was my almost immediate reaction two words in her comment that uncovered the statement made above.

Some of the thoughts I had after reading the post itself surrounded our desire to manipulate others with words.

Specific to me, I used words to manipulate those I want to like me, into liking me. Not really but I could create perceived likability by mirroring so it worked, in a superficial, parroting sort of way.

I had a need to be accepted, for my physical survival, so I manipulated the people I believed I needed to accept me and thus survive, but at such a great cost that I grieve now and again.

I manipulated myself for so long that I developed unconscious competence in manipulating myself.

It was just like my beating heart pumping the blood I don't consciously create through the veins and capillaries I don't pay any attention to.

Just before hitting the submit button on my comment to Havi, I considered the possibilities of what I had only just typed. I asked myself a question, Did I type that to impress?

See I have to ask myself questions like that. I've been a compulsive liar since I could talk. My first instance was around 30 months old, while trick or treating. I said, "frick or freat" and the person I said it to thought that was 'just adorable' and asked me to say it again. I did. I got more candy. Then my mom corrected me and I said it properly for her, until I got to the next house.

I saw the benefits in fibbing for fun and it got out of hand.

I am a natural born story teller, a weaver of emotions and voices using multiple skeins of variegated yarn. Over time and with much abuse by my own hands and the hands of others, this ability became twisted up inside me. The words controlled me and they required an outlet, manifesting in bigger, more grand lies.

My inner worlds and outer worlds contained no boundaries. I did whatever needed to be done to survive.

I had no idea how to use this power. My story about who I am became a compulsion to impress people, to make sure what ever I did created clapping and applause, liking and acceptance, survival of a now out of control ego or id. I never remember which is which. I just know one lacks control and the other forms in order to control the one lacking control.

It became so unconscious that upon opening my mouth, I never knew what would issue forth.

Words began to control me, keeping me ill at ease, yet displaying much verbosity.

Did I tell Jennifer this or that? Was I following the right yarn with Ben? I had to take my cues from them. I could no longer initiate a conversation because I didn't know to whom I had told what, exactly.

That led to some interesting situations and meeting some interesting people, but ultimately resulted in few true to the gill friends and much gnashing and ripping at my own esteem, abilities and talents and finally emotional stability.

Anyone using words could cut me down at the flick of a tongue. They didn't even have to be speaking to me. Talk about painful.

So when the two words - Wonderful and impressed showed up in Havi's reply to my comment, my heart sank.

I had to remind myself that I didn't reply to impress. I don't control how she is impressed. I don't control much of anything when it comes to another person and I don't want to.

I want to be aware of how words control me and I want to be aware of how I control my words.

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