Cud, Fire and Sparks

My disgusted me and I have been talking.

She finally opened up to me as I sat in the Operative Short Stay waiting room yesterday. I was listening to Havi and she was Recoding My Mind which is a meditation from the Destuckification Sampler Packet and I realized 1. her voice does not get on my nerves. I love that she has a totally undefined and unintelligible accent. No she's not unintelligible, she just has no real accent that I can pinpoint and I totally love that. 2. I love free stuff that is actually helpful and doesn't get on my nerves and 3. as soon as I have some wealth I'll be getting other stuff from her like The Shiva Nata starter kit and maybe even meeting her in North Carolina the weekend of May 23rd.

Okay, now back to the conversation with my Disgusted Self.

She told me that we've been together since high school. She didn't get involved and start speaking out until many years later. She was first disgusted with the people around us, not necessarily with us.

She didn't start getting disgusted with who we were until she realized, I wasn't going to keep any of my promises to myself. The last straw was when Our Little Girl showed up and warned us that something was about to happen and she asked me to remember a promise my Adult Me made to her and to please, please, please keep it and I didn't.

It was only after that, Disgusted Me basically said "F*ck All, Adult you, You suck. You were supposed to protect Our Little Girl, you promised and you didn't keep that promise. I'm taking over and I'll keep us all protected because I'll keep everything away from us."

She's been here pretty much since 2005, running things, making sure I stay disgusted with everything in my life, so I'll at least have some kind of fire in my belly even if it is called indigestion or gas or IBS or whatever.

She really started talking once she noticed I was listening, really listening and comprehending what she was saying.

She went on to tell me, "none of the other ways worked. I mean you wouldn't even protect Our Little Girl and you don't keep any promises you make to any of us. You promised us since Middle School that we were going to college and going to be an Architect and be happily married and adopt massive numbers of children and start a school where kids learn like they learn best and travel and, and, and. . .

You do a little bit of that once your Adult You gets frustrated with whatever you're doing but you never follow through for us. This Adult You doesn't even follow through for other people anymore. Is it any wonder why they fired you? (Harsh but she's right.)

This Adult You gets trapped in these small rooms in your past and shut down. At least with me taking over we can talk about what disgusts us. Oh and this self love crap, I don't do self love I'm about disgust because that at least has kept some sparks flying in our mind. I'm thinking one of those sparks is going to finally hit some of this dead stuff up here and clear it out. So I'm not leaving anytime soon."

Havi's voice in my earbuds helped me not freak out, but Disgusted Me was absolutely right. Adult Me has been an automaton and fearful and feeling very unsupported. I couldn't even tell Disgusted Me those things in the moment. I had to sleep on them, chew what she said like cud. Even typing this out this morning, it' still feels like it's coming up from my third stomach but something is definitely shifting.

I've had it mostly wrong, all along. I just thought those were cool things, I this Adult Me never thought that we were capable of doing them. I realize I've got a lot of support inside myself, ready to help. There is a me who is all Self Love and Self Acceptance but like Our Little Girl, she doesn't trust me enough to show herself frequently, if at all.

So I've literally just gotten a phone call telling me that my uncle will be released in an hour. I'm obligated to pick him up and I'm not mad. I really wanted to talk to Disgusted Me some more and the Universe just gave me the chance.

I get to drive for an hour, alone down country roads to the hospital. I get to sit in real leather chairs in a doctors' office for who knows how long and I'll talk to her some more. Or chew more cud.

I'll be back though.