Friday, March 27, 2009

Rinse and Repeat | The Relationship Edition

I think I may finally be having a "heart-of-hearts attack". You know that place really deep down where you know what you know you need and notice it before the mind takes over rationalizing and justifying.

Only sometimes, I don't so much want to know because I am invested in what is 'right now' even if what is 'right now' is crappy and uncalled for and almost insanely ridiculously unnecessary because of wrong beliefs. Except that some part of me wants it to be, so I don't have to have these "heart-of-hearts attacks" and so I can remain consistent with an idea of myself that is no longer true.

I'm invested in the status quo. I know what to expect. I'm committed dammit. And I'm blatantly good at justifying it. No. Matter. What.

The best example and it's the best for me because I have been outside of it for 4 years. The example is from my relationship box.

I was 90% of the time in a relationship that was completely, totally wrong for me. And too many times I stayed in ones that were physically dangerous. I would not or could not extricate myself immediately because I had already told my friends, "I love him girl. He is just soooo good. You know what I'm talkin 'bout. Toe. Curlin'. Good. I'm not going to find that anywhere else. He's my soulmate. I know we are meant to be together." Now I know I didn't know shit. But at the time, he filled my need.

I even heard myself say once,"he promised not to do it again." And I knew then for a fact, I didn't know what I would do without him. I couldn't even think about being without him or someone like him or just without someone, anyone.

My friends would tell me that I knew in my 'heart-of-hearts' what I needed to do. I knew I needed to leave him. I would nod in agreement, tell them they were preaching to the converted and then head home, to him. Where I would proceed to shower my love over him, to make up for all the bu!!$#^t fluff my friend girls were filling my head with.

They didn't even have a man or their man was a dog too, so why would I, why should I listen to them?

I wanted someone elses love so badly I was willing to put up with just about anything, for a while, to get it. And I wasn't about to lose it because of some bu!!$#^t.

I always eventually left that one and almost always ended up involved with another one who had the same issues in varying degrees.

I knew the only way out permanently meant being alone for a long, long, long time, years, possibly alone forever until I die amen.

Believing I might possibly be alone until I died, kept me from dealing with the core issues. The very core issues leading me to be consistent with a learned pattern and keeping me in my rinse and repeat relationship cycle.

Here's what I'm learning about beliefs. Beliefs are typically untested assumptions mixed with ungrounded expectations, tricking us into actions good or bad, beneficial or not. Beliefs are tricking us because we don't question them. Don't want to question them.

From the relationship example above, I believed love = attention. Therefore if name calling provided attention, then name calling = love. I know, looking at it in print I can see the flaw, but who puts this stuff down in print. And who's to say I would have seen the flaw then, if I had put it in print? Remember I didn't know shit then.

Yet that belief, though totally wrong, I held it, even in the face of evidence to the contrary, I continued to hold it.

I even went so far as to incorporate the belief into the words I used to describe myself and the thoughts I had about myself. I would call myself names, instead of him calling me names because it all equaled love.

No, no it doesn't. It never did. It equals manipulation. It equals suppression. It's intimidation. It's abuse.

Even when you do it to yourself, especially when you do it to yourself. It's worse then because you are the only one who can stop you from manipulating, suppressing, intimidating and abusing yourself. No one has the power to step in and do anything about it. Unless and until you become a danger to your physical body or the physical body of others around you.

I also found it interesting to learn that's why I was afraid to be alone, specifically the 'without a significant other' third wheel type of alone.

Alone I can't justify manipulation by my hands. I can't justify suppressing and intimidating myself. I can't excuse abuse by my own hands. This "heart-of-hearts attack" hurts.

My beliefs are changing, slowly and ever so carefully. But I'm noticing this rinse and repeat pattern in many, many places, not just in my relationship, jobs, money patterns, desires.

What I'm enjoying more is believing that even though right now, my "heart-of-hearts attacks" hurt, they won't always, hurt this badly. And that my Right significant other Person is out there somewhere. It's my intention to be ready for him when we finally meet.

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