Sunday, March 22, 2009

Don't Fence Me In

So I'm in the yard with the dogs, tossing the ball to one and intermittently petting the other who is lounging in the warmest spot she can find and I get this really crazy idea about a blog for the two of them.

Because they have such opposite personalities. The one when we are outside in a fenced in area will not leave my side for very long, if at all. She will follow me if I pace. She will sit or lie down if I'm still. She doesn't chase balls, although she does try to chomp bumblebees and dragonflies.

The other dog when we are in fenced in area only has one thing on her mind. Where is the ball? Did you throw the ball? Are you hiding the ball? Is the ball under there? Do I smell a ball? Are you thinking ball? You are, aren't you? Okay I'll find the ball, ball, ball, soccer ball, ball. You get the idea. Ball. Fetch. Ball.

Two very different expressions of their personalities when they are fenced in.

However, free them and the one who stays beside me as I pace, will head off not to be seen, so quickly it makes my eyes blur and the one who is only concerned with a ball will run a distance, look back, come back, run a further distance, look back, wait for me to catch up and repeat the process. She will eventually explore but doesn't let me too far out of her sights for too long.

I thought it through outside and I don't think it's very sustainable in it's current form so it went into the idea vault.

Anyway, that also started me wondering about how my expressions of my personality differ when I'm fenced in as opposed to when I'm roaming free.

That line of questioning prompted me to define "fenced in" and "roaming free".

Roaming free I defined as waking up without an alarm clock. Taking my sweet time out enjoying sunshine, rain, snow, cold, bird songs, blue jays being chased by swallows, whatever without fear that some boss is timing my breaks or that I'll get written up for leaving the corporate campus without clocking out. Yay for no time clocks.

Roaming free means having a thought and having the space to follow it's thread to the knot, the completion, a bigger thought, an assumption or where ever else it leads me and be able to write it, sing it, paint it. To have the time to play with it or take the time to unravel it, replace it, discard it, converse with it.

Where I believe I am fenced in surrounds cash-flow, previous incomplete obligations and future planning.

What I've come to realize is the very moment I received my first store credit card, cash-flow no longer fit into the roaming free category. So it's been 20 years of living an illusion. Those illusions include:

Money now is better than money later. Immediate gratification outweighs future planning.

The weight and scope of debt determines the current need to earn money, lifestyle needs and wants not withstanding.

The means must now fit within an as yet undefined moral/ethical parameter, therefore justifying itself.

Currently the third illusion trips me up the most. The ends, pay off $130,000 in debt without losing the means to "roaming free", which is really me ignoring the second illusion. I'm working to 'not lose'. That's the illusion. Not losing. Not losing explicitly demands inflexibility and unyielding.

It's not as if opportunities haven't presented themselves. I've stopped me from taking them and I'm not sure I trust the reasons why. I tell myself, it doesn't feel right but what is the feeling based on? Unexpressed and unacknowledged emotions from events long past? Misperception, assumptions, societal conditioning? Habits? Those definitely fall into the fenced in category as well.

Seeking information from outside myself and not trusting what comes from within. Big heavy duty, barbed wire, electrified fence.

So it occurs to me, expand the roaming free space requires elimination of the fenced in space.

Isn't all that what I just said in several thousand words?

Yes, yes it is. Now define that moral/ethical thing and get on with it hun. You aren't getting any younger.

Who are you?

I'm higher you, almost all knowing you. That thing about not trusting what comes from within usually mutes me out. We've met before. Only you couldn't, didn't want to hear me. You called me a mediator. Only that's not what I do. I'm sort of inspired you but even I don't know it all. I'm a guide of sorts. I don't know the subtleties of the world around you, I can just see beyond the horizon a little more than you can and give you hints and ideas about things you can do now to get you to where you want to be although you keep resisting imagining that place.

Because you don't trust me, you can't hear me clearly or the parts that don't want to do what you feel inspired to do resist the doing. Either way, it's still all you and all about free will.

Oh. Sigh. Yeah.

Oh sigh yeah. That's all you got for me?!? I give you an idea like the blog for the dogs and you say oh sigh yeah. I shake your world last night while you are reading The Mind Control Missing Chapter and you say, Oh sigh yeah. I inspire you to edit Cariene McDonald's audio for her. It takes you 30 minutes and you don't send it because you can't attach it in an email. Honestly hun, thoughts, actions, results. You aren't following. Again that's okay but don't talk to me about wanting to tear down fences when you don't take action.

The ideas are all coming to you. It's up to you to see them through. This isn't mad. This isn't frustration. You came to me to work with you on your, 'roaming free' and gaining 'self authority'.

It's first thought based, then action based. Then you see results. The truth is your actions aren't matching your thoughts and the results aren't keeping you motivated or moving. Your actions are still based on external ruling authority, although your thoughts have moved far beyond that.

It doesn't work that way. Get your actions congruent with the thoughts and work with trust in yourself.

I'm all clenched up and hankering to reach for my weapons of choice - avoidance and denial. I mumble something like, "I need a little time to sit with all this."

No, hun you don't, but I can't override free will. Just be easy, listen and do. Stop looking around out there for something and look inside.

She starts walking away, turns around smiling and says, "Hun one last thing, just don't fence me in.


  1. Because the dog that runs around when it's fenced in? That's the dog that likes to be safe. And the dog that likes to run around without the fence? That's the dog that likes to be free.

    I so relate to the dog that wants to be safe, but everything inside me wants to be the dog that likes to be free.

    The bit about thoughts, actions and results. Right there with you.

    I'm good with thoughts. But I struggle with actions. I'm not even sure why. I just don't do so much. It's frustrating.

    If I imagine what I'd say to someone else I come up with:

    Others who take lots of action have learnt to trust their actions and to roll with the results. To learn that you can just start small and build up. So start small. But start.

    (yuck) How many buttons does that press?

  2. I think it's more context than anything. From the one dogs context, she grew up with fences. It's what she knows and is comfortable with although she is growing more confident and comfortable without fences.

    The other dog was found as a stray and knows how to hunt, really, really well. So well that if I ever had to live in the wilderness I would be dependent on her for a while for food. So being fenced in doesn't fit her well. Again though she's growing to enjoy the safety she's finding in them.

    As far as the start - Please stop pressing my buttons. Thank you very much.

    I've already started. So have you. I like what Havi had to say about the doing stuff and the experimenting with stuff.

    I'm also thinking that the whole thoughts, actions, results thing works best once we are clear in/on our thoughts. Taking actions for actions sake can be helpful but I'm not finding that it works for me as well as it once did.

    Thinking is absolutely a start. That's where I am right now. I'm also doing, even though my doing isn't giving me the exact results I wanted, so I'm back to thinking and getting clear.

    So all that said, I think our ultimate most closely connected to "The EveryThing" part of us wants us to know our limitlessness. The part of us that wants to keep us safe, doesn't yet know/trust/believe it can handle our limitlessness.

  3. Just realized I didn't quote the Havi part I meant to quote

    "This is how the experiment works.

    If you consciously and actively allow yourself to Not Do The Thing, and you consciously and actively observe your reactions, then you’re not “just giving in”.

    You’re experimenting.

    You’re experimenting with being kind to yourself. You’re finding out what happens when you do things without guilt. When you — whoah — make a love-based decision instead of a fear-based decision.

    And then you pay attention to what comes up.

    Removing guilt from the equation makes everything clearer. If you’re not doing the thing just because you think you should, and you’re not beating yourself up for giving in, then you just happen to be Not Doing The Thing.

    And then you can find out whether that feels okay or not.

    As long as you’re doing it (or not doing it) mindfully and without guilt, you’ll get the right result.

    Read the whole post


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