A Conversation with Resistance | Resistance is Futile

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, probably too much along the lines of why I can't or don't do what I want to do.

I've given myself permission.

I've double checked to make sure it is what I want and yet resistance still shows up, still stops me and I decided to ask it directly why.

I'm not as good at being compassionate with myself as Havi is on her Fluent Self blog, when talking to her walls, monsters and such. Still I'm talking and personally, that's what counts.

Me: Resistance, yo what up, what you doin' here?
Resistance: Hey, yeah just hanging out so you don't mess something up.

Me: Oh, well that's cool. I don't want to mess something up.
Resistance: Yeah it sucks when you mess up. Remember that time....

Me: Uh, resistance could we not talk about that except, hey...wait a minute...you were there then too and I thought you hung around so I didn't mess things up. What happened with that one?
Resistance: Weeelll, seeee...I don't have to tell you anything. I'm Resistance.

Me: Very true, very true. I guess you win that round. I'll concede on the grounds that resistance is futile.
Resistance: Well I'm keeping you from doing what you wanted to do, so you don't mess it up. So how futile is that?

Me: Hmm, very obviously since I'm not getting anything done. Just writing this conversation out and that isn't going to get us anywhere is it? Because you win, remember, resistance is futile.
Resistance: Well if you think you're gonna make me feel shame about being futile, don't forget you feel what I feel so...

Me: Resistance, yes of course you're right and I understand. It's not the messing up something you want to keep us away from, it's the shame that messing up creates. You want to keep us away from the shame. Thank you for that. I really do appreciate it because shame has been debilitating. So what do you suggest...wait, don't answer that... I know what you suggest - resistance, hardyharhar.
Resistance: Well I am resistance. What else do you expect from me? I do what I do best - resist. You want me to go so you can mess something up and feel shame?

Me: Errr....well....no, not exactly.
Resistance: Then we're agreed.

Me: Actually resistance, no we're not agreed. I said you won. I conceded on the grounds that resistance is futile. It's a waste of energy. It's making the easy, complicated. It's keeping me away from doing what I think it's best for me to do to get what and where I want and be responsible for my actions and have my autonomy. We can't hang out anymore and I was hoping, I guess, to get some ideas on what you needed so we didn't hang out in this place of struggle. Let me understand this, right now you keep me from feeling shame, by keeping me from messing up?
Resistance: Yes.

Me: Let's drop the messing up part for a minute and find some ways to deal with the shame, cause come on, we're gonna mess up, we need to know how to handle the shame. We need to cope with it, recognize it for what it is. Resistance, what do you need so that can happen?
Resistance: It's what you need, "to know the outcome and the probability of the outcome before you take the action."

Me: Seriously, that's what I need to move beyond you? [Thinking we're screwed. Then realizing it's resistances futility making it look like we're screwed.] Okay, we need to spend some time daily determining possible outcomes to actions we'd like to take? I can do that [I can't do that. That will take forever and we'll never get anything done] and list them in order of the greatest to the least probable. I'll spend an hour doing that for the next week. What else resistance? What happens to our relationship after that's done?
Resistance: ... [Thinking it'll never happen. Resisting resistance is futile. hehehehehehehehe. Evil laugh cuts out abruptly.]

Me: [Clearing throat] Hey Resistance, remember I know what you're thinking and honestly I'm thinking you think you just helped me spend another hour not doing what I wanted to do so I'm posting this conversation on the blog instead.
Resistance: And I heard you, too... [Good my evil plan is working. That will take another 30 or 40 minutes and then it's time to get ready for The Meeting.]

Me: resistance, I heard that. You and me, we're not done. There's something you aren't sharing with me. Something about shame and I want to know what it is, but you're right. We're out of time. There will be a part deux. Mark my words resistance. Mark my words.
Resistance: ...

No one was harmed in this conversation, except maybe a few thoughts who were shocked out of their comfortable rut.

Standing Beside Myself

I wake up with songs in my head and finally I'm listening to them and here's what happens...

My body stirs ever so slightly and through the lids of my still closed eyes I can sense the morning light around me. I hear "it's just another sad love song, racking my heart like crazy" and hear the harmony and melodic alto of Toni Braxton. I slowly begin opening my eyes and the word disgust fills my mind.

Toni is no longer singing and my eyes are open and this thought comes rushing out.

What is she singing about? Another sad love song, loves songs are about being sad? Really, cause I don't think so. Each and everyone of us experiences unconditional love when we wake up each morning (and hey, by the way you woke up didn't you this morning, then you've experienced it) then love is not bad. Bad love songs, yes, but sad love and song together, NO FREAKIN WAY. That thought leaves as quickly as it came and is replace with . . .

. . .

. . .

yeah I got crickets on the brain. And the echo of the ghost of the melody of a song becomes background noise and doesn't go away. (Even now as I type this many hours later.)

Then my body reminds me it is awake and has desires, you know like peeing and moving around.

The hyperactive dog stirs, jumps off the bed in anticipation of petting and playing and I roll over and stretch myself out from under the cover. The 40 degree air is my first morning shot of high octane espresso.

I'm up and my bodies routine takes over while the echo of "And it's all because of yoooooouuuuuuuuuu" merges more deeply into the soundtrack of my day.

My day begins, melody still echoing, body in routine, mind still waking up.

Computer on, coffee made, dogs out, treats in bowl, fresh water, wash face, brush teeth, sit down in front of the computer and focus eyes on the screen while sipping fresh coffee.

Time passes.

I run my morning errands, I'm driving home and a song comes on the radio, grabbing my attention.

Oh so now "I'm not gonna cry, cuz you're not worth my tears," croons Mary J. Blige and I'm realizing, this entire song is about a relationship in which the woman gives up herself, her dreams, her desires, her independence, her perspectives, her emotional life.

Oh wait, shit, that's me and my relationship with me.

It's a song about how once she has I have given all that up for the man some love and how he I no longer respect her myself and leave her myself feeling disgusted and disgusting standing there, damned if she I fight him with myself for all she's I'm worth because he'll I'll either use an excuse saying, I didn't make you give up anything, you chose to do that, I didn't force you. You could have said no . . .

. . . gahhhh no wonder disgust fills me for me.

I disgust me and when the disgusting, disgusted me tries to give myself things like self-care, self-acceptance, self-love, gentleness or compassion I think I am trying to get myself to do something which sounds, feels and appears to be foreign, unpleasant, manipulative and exploitative.

Wow, I'm hiding the essence of me from myself because I'll only exploit the essence of me and manipulate the essence of me to get what I want from myself.

Okay now I'm perfectly freaked out because that revelation didn't really hit me until I typed that sentence.

I'm not sure I want to process any of that, yet the walls surround me on three sides and the only opening is behind me. I don't want to assume anything about what is behind me, yet I'm afraid to look there, to step back or to turn around.

Then I remember something I read last night from Dawna Markova's "No Enemies Within" about being curious, "Take yourself for a walk - your hurting self, your shadow self, [your disgusting, disgusted self], your internal enemy . . . Pretend it is next to you instead of inside of you, or in front of you . . . I'm not asking you to have a major relationship at this point. Just make space enough inside your mind to be curious." pg 234

So that is my intent. I'll be back.

Medictation Moments | A Lion, No Tiger & Three Bears

Opening up and it wasn't even meditation.

First honesty, I only meditated one day in the last seven. I couldn't face me. I wasn't wanting to look at anything to do with me.

Instead I've been meeting my subconscious in dreamland. I've had some wild and amazing dreams. Aliens, hostile takeovers, moving to New York, drag queens and pancakes.

Last night for instance I dreamt of a lion, 2 chihuahua's and The 3 bears as in Papa bear, Mama bear and Baby bear. The three of them were peeking at me through a screen in a window. It was fun and funny and I wasn't afraid - at all.

Then I was sitting in a room with lots of double swinging doors. I could see outside because the doors were flapping in the breeze. I caught a glimpse of a man and lion playing on the lawn. The first glimpse I thought the man was running from the lion. The second and third glimpse confirmed they were playing.

Now, none of these sets of doors had locks or clasps. The doors all led out to a long and wide veranda which had stairs leading down to the huge expanse of lawn.

I was afraid the lion would get inside. I was afraid the lion would hurt me and eat the chihuahuas. I mentioned there were 2 chihuahuas right?

First one chihuahua pushed it's way through the door. My fear of the lion got stronger. The second chihuahua pushed it's way through the door and then I got really frightened. I started looking around for ways to block the doors.

I didn't see the lion again. I saw the bears again, looking through the window at me and I smiled and woke up.

I go up, started doing my morning things, e-mails, twitter, coffee, chauffer and after I get back, I start reading my RSS feed.

Hmmm, Havi has her Items post up and sends me off to meet Wendy Cholbi at http://www.yourwebcoaches.com. I'm reading and scrolling down the blog and what do I see - Christian The Lion.

I click to watch and wow tears just start gushing from my eyes. I mean I can't control them. I can't stop them. I don't know where they came from. I sob uncontrollably first watching the 1:17 video clip, then the longer clips...

I'm sobbing and wiping my eyes so I can keep watching and gasping for breathe because the sobs are so deep I feel nauseous.

I notice one of my dogs is standing beside me with her head down. I think she's positioned herself in one of her favorite 'pet me here spots'. I start absentmindedly petting her, still sobbing and wiping and gasping and watching.

She looks up at me and then back down. As I push my chair back to see what she's staring at I notice she has calmly, regurgitated her morning treats, directly between my feet. Nothing is on either shoe and my own nauseau is gone.

She calmly walks away and leaves me with the mess of tears, running nose and dog vomit.

I think, yeah this is the weirdest thing yet, who needs medictation?

Oh and that one day of medictation lasted for seven minutes and all I kept getting was my to do list for the day. I sort of suspected that might be the case and it was valid non-meditative feedback because I needed to be productively active that day.

You can watch the videos of Christian, The Lion below.

Medictation* Moments | Highlights from Week One

*everytime I started typing 'meditation' it became 'medication' so I decided in an effort to save myself some editing I'd call this "medictation". Yes it is awkward to say and that's about how I feel, awkward. Also, analytically speaking,this a prescription to help me open up to guidance from my higher self. So there.

I'll just dive into the highlights. Okay really they are mostly what happened the whole five minutes, I mean highlight, five minutes come on .... it's only five minutes.

Day One

Maybe 5 breathes in and out and a thought about Shiva Nata shows up.

That thought leads me to Havi Brooks who introduced the words and concepts of Shiva Nata to me and I start wondering, (analyzing) the little bit of the still untried and unfamiliar concept of doing it wrong, is doing it right and if you start to do it right, then it's time for a higher level and of course the analysis takes me to 'if the point of doing Shiva Nata is to do it wrong, how do I know Havi is doing it right and how does she know if she's not and what level is she on and how many levels are there and . . . ?'

Oh, then I remember, I'm meditating. I listen to me breathing some more and wonder if time is up. I cheat and check the buzzer. It's only been 4 and 1/2 minutes.

Day Two

My mind certainly isn't focused on breathing nor is it focused on carnal thoughts.

I notice my hands are in prayer position and that they are located at my Sacral Chakra. Desire, sexuality, pleasure and procreation are not exactly the energy I'm trying to connect with.

I move my hands, still in prayer position, to my Heart Chakra and I feel a heartburn like sensation.

I start seeing thought forms (colors and shapes behind my eyelids) and I try to stop looking at them.

I don't really want my meditation time to end (or is it that I don't want to stop those carnal thoughts). Just then, I hear the buzzer.

Day Three

As soon as I start listening to myself breathe I hear, "Husband". I hear, 'Try to find', 'Trying to get', 'Work to get one'.

Chills and resistance and thoughts like, 'that's just wrong' and 'what about the agreement we made to never get married when we were little?' show up.

I bring myself back to my breath.

I notice my stomach gurgling and groaning and how 'stuffed' it feels. Wait, I haven't eaten anything yet. Why is my stomach feeling full and just then I hear the bip, bleep, bzzzzzz of the buzzer.

Day Four

I hear an unclear word ????tarian.

Then I immediately feel like my right side is solid and grounded and my left side is light and floaty feather.

I go back to focusing on breathing. I don't want the meditation to end.

My left ear has a sensation of warmth which spreads across the left side of my face and scalp.

The buzzer goes off. I sit for a moment because I'm feeling unbalanced. It's apparent that I am physically unbalanced when I teeter to the left after standing.. Uh-oh did I have a mini-stoke?

Nah but that feeling is a little weird and results in lots of journaling and googling and reading. My analytical mind tries to make sense of all this.

Day Five

Thoughts of past boyfriends show up immediately and fade quickly as I focus on my breathe.

I notice the same right side - solid/grounded, left side - light/floaty feather feeling.

Five minutes passes quickly. The buzzer sounds different, softer, less intrusive. I could have almost ignored it. Did I change the tone? No.

Day Six

and

Day Seven

didn't happen. The previous five days was maybe a little too much to start with.

Synopsis

I'm am still ambivalent about medictating.

I know, it's seems like the right thing for me to do or I wouldn't have received so much feedback in five minutes.

Of course now that I've said it's very possible the Law of Opposites will kick in and next week, there will be NO feedback. Which is it's own form of feedback. Gah analysis stopping now.

Okay and at least I know why I sabotage any relationship before or just after it becomes a serious relationship. An agreement with myself to never get married. I sort of remember that but I think this adult me needs some more information.

I might even meditate for more than five minutes this next week or not. I'm asking myself if I need to know the answer or if acknowledging the agreement is enough.

Well see next week.

I'll see you in the Medictation Moments next week.